...

Gratuitous Dex photo

2012-01-27T21:22:00.002-05:00

Macy's back home - she's very quiet and hiding. But seems fine otherwise. She enjoyed visiting with her sisters. But probably not the vet's.

Scuze me ma'am, do you know how fast you were going?

2012-01-25T16:54:00.000-05:00

Ok, the cop didn't say that but I did get pulled over for speeding today. With my 90 year mother in tow. And I'm glad he didn't ask because I was going faster than he clocked me. I'd glanced at my speedometer just as I saw him standing there with the radar gun. I'd obliviously thought I was travelling along with the rest of the traffic but apparently I was going faster. oops.

I suppose I might have been unconsciously trying to make up time as we were late for our appointment to see a retirement place.

He asks if I've had any speeding tickets lately.

No, not for years and years.

He says if that's the case, then he'll reduce it.

And he did. Considerably. A fairly cheap fine at $50 and no demerits. (My last one was $300 and 3 demerits - I was the same amount over this time)

I said:

Thank you! I love you!

And made his day. - Hell, he'd made mine by not slapping me with what he could have.

But maybe I am a little fast in hindsight.

Later, my mother and I were having lunch and she's telling me about her brother's room at his retirement place. She says it's a very large room. He can even fit his organ in there.

"The one you play." she says doing piano fingers - and laughs because of her naughty thoughts.
Cracked me up.

ok

2012-01-24T11:39:00.000-05:00

God must have read my post yesterday and decided that I'd had enough pleasure over our winter so far. It is snowing today when the forecast had said it would be too warm. Still, it is not snowing a lot. A dusting. I might be able to handle it.

Scarlet: I tried so hard to get a video of Macy struttin her stuff but every time she'd be aware I was watching and stop what she was doing. Camera shy I guess.

LL Cool Joe: I tried never to be mortified by what my pets or children did. Sometimes creatures do what comes natural and it isn't always pretty but can usually be laughed about. Eventually.

Ms Moon: I know how fortunate I am to have a mother who is not in denial. She was able to part with her dream home years ago when my father was dying and although she does enjoy her condo, she wants to be prepared and in a position to choose where she goes next - put on a list if necessary to be where she will be comfortable before the inevitable arrives and she has to go wherever they will take her. She will be looking at more than the surface facts too. She was fooled into choosing a very pretty nursing home for my Dad where the staff were not so caring - and kicked him out because he was too much trouble! (dementia) (hello? isn't that why you are there? to care for difficult people?) He ended up in an older facility that my mother had not cared for but found to be filled with wonderful staff who accepted my father's personality as par for the course.

Skippy: I know my Mom will like it because she gets to choose. She was hesitant about her condo because she believed that "apartment" people weren't friendly. She's known enough people now who have moved happily into retirement homes that she is okay with it. She knows she will make friends (and sadly, lose them too). And she won't be a burden on her kids. She isn't thrilled with the cost but prepared.

Canadian Winter

2012-01-23T11:58:00.000-05:00

I can't really complain about our weather. Here it is, approaching the end of January and we still have not had a single bad winter storm/ blizzard/ white-out/ snow day. We've had a couple light snows. Enough to shovel but not enough to whine about. I've never seen a winter this mild. I've seen a few green Christmases but they tend to be soggy grey messes - like today - but this year has seen quite a lot of sunshine. Many days have even felt a bit like spring. Generally, by now, we are all wishing to escape to warmth and sunshine even if we've already been. We might be commiserating with our neighbors over where to put the latest snowfall because the banks are too high to pile any more up. But this year, there's none of that.

If this is global warming - I'm sorry - I'm all for it. I don't like pollution - poisoned food, nasty air, toxic water - that should all be stopped of course. But can I keep the global warming? I understand it's a little selfish - there could be a lot of death and destruction elsewhere - and I'm pretty sure the water situation here wouldn't be great either (although a lot of us could move further north - there's tons of water and room up there.) Anyway, let's just say my heart isn't breaking over having a mild winter.

My life has been pretty boring which is great with me. I'm sleeping. Sleeping at night although the animals still get me up to sleep in the living room for half the night. I sleep in the afternoon or early evening. I sleep in in the morning.

Don't you love sentences that have the same word twice? It sounds wrong but you can't just leave one of them out.

My mother wants to look at retirement homes. It's supposed to be my sister's bailiwick but she's been uncommunicative for the past month so I'm doing the honours. We're checking out one place on Wednesday and another Friday. I like the Wednesday lady much more already although we're getting lunch on Friday. That lady tried to push me for Thursday even though I'd informed her that that (another double!) was my mother's grocery day and she tired easily and preferred only one outing a day. I don't like pushy people who don't listen. My guard will be up on Friday.

I'm not sure why my Mom suddenly wants to move into such a place. I've told her we can get extra cleaning help. We can get meals on wheels. We can get someone to help with her bath if she wants. But I think she's afraid she'll have a stroke and no one will be there to help her - or even know for a few days that she's out of commission. I suppose she has a point. I certainly don't phone every day. And that's not really enough anyway - she's not always home to get the call and she could stroke 5 minutes later anyway. So maybe she's got the right idea.

Gary's got Dex out for his run. I took him the last few nice days so I opted out. The rain isn't kind to my neck so I prefer to stay dry and semi-limber.

Macy is in full blown heat. She sings up a storm ALL THE TIME. Walks around with her tail in the air presenting her girlie parts and basically doesn't know what the hell has hit her. Gary yells at her and I yell at him to leave her alone. She can't help it - she needs some lovin bad. Dex helps out the best he can - nuzzling away at her hind quarters and such. I'm not sure if it's a sin for the two of them to make out like this but they seem to like it.

Seeing nature like this is new to me. We always had male dogs. My friends all had male dogs. Nobody had cats. Nobody had females. Seeing Macy explains a whole lot about my own puberty. ahem. Everyone's puberty I mean. Explains rock and roll. Dancing. Provocative dressing. Sneaking out at night. (Macy tries). Fathers going ballistic. Yup. It's all right there. And the world turns.

I think I'll paint this afternoon.

What's in a name?

2012-01-21T15:22:00.001-05:00

As you may recall, I named my cat Macy Gray.

Well, she's showing herself to be well named. She has been singing away - mostly all night long. But any time she finds herself alone somehow she lets go.

She sounds almost human and has pretty good pitch. She just can't remember the words too well. Just a lot of oohs and ahhhs and wa wa wa. It's pretty funny.

Yes, I'm guessing she's in heat. Whatever. I love it.

She's getting neutered next week. sigh.

I hope it doesn't end her career.

Ha! I caught her singing along with Macy Gray!

Back

2012-01-20T11:16:00.000-05:00

It was a nice getaway. There wasn't a lot to do where we stayed so I'm really glad we only had a couple of days there. We didn't intend to do anything and we didn't so we were fine - but if we'd been looking for an exciting time, we wouldn't have found it there.

We arrived at the airport in Ft. Lauderdale at 5 am, grabbed a cab for our hotel, hoping they'd let us check in VERY early (check in was advertised as 4 pm). They let us in right away - God bless them. We went to the room and slept until about 10:30 then up, dressed in shorts and out to scope the neighborhood for lunch and shopping for essentials for our room.

I'd checked the net before we left for nearby restaurants and reviews. We found the one I'd wanted to try but they weren't open yet. Walmart was across the street so we headed there to buy a couple beer and a lime, found a restaurant that WAS open and had a disappointing lunch. We wandered back to the hotel and after sharing a beer while we changed, we headed for the pool and lounged there for the afternoon. For dinner, we went back to the restaurant we'd wanted to try - they opened about 15 minutes after we got there in the morning and dinner was fantastic - lunch would have been too - and we had a doggie bag to take back with us that had enough food for lunch yesterday. We didn't do anything afterward - watched tv - wished later we'd thought of going down to the hot tub, but we didn't. I don't know what else we'd have done anyway - we rarely go out to pubs any more. Yesterday, we got up and went to the beach for the morning while it was quiet - back to the room for leftovers and a beer - checked out, then back to the pool for some sun. I finished an entire book and started into another in the time we were away. I'm amazed how much colour I picked up in just a couple days. We had dinner at the pool bar and cabbed it back to the airport.

We landed around 12:30 am, stopped to get a tea/coffee and gas up, got lost finding the bridge to cross back to Canada because the GPS took us to the wrong one, but followed our common sense instead to the right place. We were the only people crossing the border. The customs official was very suspicious about our very short getaway - we just handed him our itinerary (our reservation print outs) - which had the price we paid for the flight and all on them to back up our "story". I'm sure he thought we were insane anyway but let us go. We finally arrived home at about 3. Dex was very happy. Cara was sick. Macy didn't even bother to get up.

And here we are. There's lots of cold and even snow to make up for what we missed. Or didn't miss at all.

It was like having a nice weekend away in the middle of the week.

I way prefer flying out of Niagara Falls to Detroit. Half the drive. Nice little airport. Rocking chairs in the lounge!!! Normally priced drinks and munchies. 1 gate. Cheap parking. No lineups to cross the border (at least late at night).

Slept in this morning until Macy started gnawing on my chin, letting me know she wanted her breaky. Guess who's pretty sure that, 15 years from now, let's say I'm living alone and die of a broken heart, Macy won't go hungry for a while and my face will be the first thing on the menu.

What's up?

2012-01-17T11:18:00.002-05:00

I have been busy. Suddenly, my gumption has stepped up to the plate and I have gotten things done. Caught up almost. Tasks do not rise up overwhelmingly hoping to defeat me. I am clear and strong.

I like my super short hair. Did I tell you I had my hair chopped again the other day? I told someone. Yes, I went back for another quickie hair cut because it had grown soooooo long. It was puffing out. I know, hair should lie down more as it grows but mine doesn't. It puffs. And the other night someone mentioned that I have a lot of it. Hair. And so I do. When it's short. It would get very scraggly when it was long. My hair grows fast but it also falls out. Always has. In fact, even though my hair is shorter than my husbands, my sink is still clogging up with my hair. All the time. We're talking every couple of months I have to clean out the drain. In the shower too. But Gary's sink? I've never had to clean it out. So my hair is even shorter than it was before because the hairdresser also came up with the idea of growing out the grey. Did I tell you this? I'm sure I must have. I am tired of the tyranny of constant colouring.

Maybe my head is clear because I haven't breathed ammonia in over a month. hmmm

So Gary and I are going for another super quickie plane ride - to Ft. Lauderdale for a night and back again. Gary can't let a good deal pass by untaken.

And I can't bring myself to stop him. This is the tyranny of impending death. Since he first got diagnosed with heart trouble at 31 (he's 58 now), I bit back my inclination to not spend money on travel and save it for that rainy day - or retirement. Bad plan. But who knew he'd live this long? I didn't want to be responsible for his not having had a full life if it was going to be short. He loves to travel. Ergo: we travel. Whether it is fiscally responsible or not.

I hope to win the lottery one day. - another bad plan I know especially since I don't buy tickets.

So, I'd better get my shit together. Not that I need to pack a lot. Or anything for that matter. Not for that amount of time.

And I am super cramping - the tyranny of being a woman. Will it ever end? My mother is appalled with me.

Life is just one tyranny after another. And piled on top of another. And braided together.

One day, while I was riding in my convertible,

2012-01-13T18:01:00.000-05:00

Dex was about to set about his job of shredding cardboard for recycling when Macy had other plans.

Later, Gary found her sound asleep in her little piece of heaven.

Just what is it with cats and boxes? These squared objects do not occur naturally in nature. Naturally.

I was able to complete the puzzle (a Christmas gift). I didn't bust my butt getting a good picture of it because, really, which of you really gives a shit? And then I busted it up, stuck it in a bag (because I had compromised the box having to slit the security tape opening it) and packed it away. I will hand it off to my friend Pauline, who enjoys doing puzzles too - especially when they are free.

I was pretty strung out due to reasons I won't go into here but involving my loving husband who doesn't like a certain aspect of my personality which is normally considered an asset. It's not my artistic or musical ability either. Because those could grate on people - but he chooses to ignore them since they don't revolve around him. I was quite in need of a certain variety of refreshment and mixed tequila, orange juice AND fresca - just to be novel. It was very nice but did not reduce my anxieties - which my sweet adoring husband is pretty fed up with at this point - so I grabbed one of my very very nice bottles (sorry Jose - you hit the spot but you really aren't very nice on your own) and am currently enjoying Corralejo thanks so much for asking. (I just googled the price and am really upset that it costs so little in the USA. Of course, compared with Canada, everything alcoholic is sooo much cheaper in the USA - including prostitutes - joke -)

My remaining bottle of Jose will be donated to the birthday party to which I am not invited although my home has been commandeered unto. And the party of the third party will not be responsible for any untoward behaviour. Amen.

Do I sound a little pissed off tonight? No worries. By the time anyone reads this it will probably be Monday and I'll be enjoying a fresh kind of hell altogether.

Have yourself a merry little weekend! I will.

Better

2012-01-12T16:09:00.000-05:00

Guess I'm on a roller coaster. It also just occurred to me that I'm pmsing again. Why am I always taken by surprise? I've been at this for more than 40 years now - you'd think I had a clue. I have to thank all of you for being so great about backing me up. It's nice.

The hours are flying by. I can't believe it's Thursday. Thursday always takes me by surprise too. I wasn't going to go to the flats with the boys and dogs today because it is raining and I'm sore from yoga and the damp but I decided I should go anyway. Screw it. At about 10, Gary wanted to leave in 5 minutes. I was ready. And waiting. And Graeme was waiting. And we waited some more. That man! He hates to wait a minute for anyone else but ALWAYS keeps everyone else waiting. So aggravating. But not really for me any more. I discovered very early in our marriage that that was who he was and to keep from going crazy, I had to find ways to cope. Coping means that for important events, you tell him the time you need to be there is at least an hour before you really do need to be there. Or you arrange to take your own transportation. For lesser things, find something to do while you wait. Of course, it is MY conditioning that I must go pee one more time before stepping out the door and then he is waiting on ME! hahahahaha Vengeance may be the Lords, but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

So we finally are on our way at 11:30!

Good walk. While Winston runs off and has to be yelled at to come back, Dex runs and runs but ALWAYS checks back with us. It's a fight to get Winston in the car while Dex is jumping around ready to get in. Then off to get my Jimmy - the mechanic had to do the brakes. Home again. Shower Dex. He's so good. We came in the front door. He heads upstairs. I say "Nope - you need a shower - go on downstairs." And he did. And when I had the water warmed up, in he walked and stood while I cleaned him off, and moved so I could get everywhere, came out, stood on the floor towel while I got him dried up a bit and then went upstairs - waiting for me at the landing. He's been sleeping pretty much ever since. I do love my dog. Macy came for a cuddle and disappeared again. I love her too. Her previous owner loves that I named her Macy Gray. We will be taking her back to them later in the month so Macy can get spayed and shots for farmer prices. (Saving us about $250)

Really, there are a lot of good people out there willing to help you out. My husband helps a lot of other people out too - he just forgets that sometimes, I need some too.

downers

2012-01-11T17:21:00.001-05:00

I am suffering from post-stupiditis. That is when you are coming out of a period when you were incredibly stupid for one reason or another and are having to deal with the consequences. I had no idea I was quite so ditzy before and after the surgery - even as soon as a month ago. Ok. I did know I wasn't all there - I couldn't do the hard sudokus for the past couple years. That was kinda scary. What's worse is seeing the dumb things I did and wondering how to fix them without drawing unwanted attention. I shouldn't have to explain myself. I worked 11 years with 3 weeks off -> 45 - 72+ hours a week - that last 2 in extreme pain - and then was having to use a lot of drugs to cope. Then had surgery and instead of the 6 weeks recommended time off, I took about a week (I was back at it, 3 days after I was home). A lot of things fell through the cracks in my brain. And when I do ask for help - and I did - I said continually I needed help. But no one ever thinks I could honestly use some help. I have always been quite capable of managing on my own. So they think.

Graeme yelled at me. Gary yelled at me a lot. As though I had been intentionally stupid. Let me tell you that I don't deal well with being yelled at when I know I've done wrong and have already owned up. Please don't kick me when I'm down. I turn to mush. And it's not like I've got a wealth of confidence in the first place. And they know this. They just don't understand why. Sorry - I'm just not good at feeling good about myself. It wasn't something I was allowed to do for the first 18 years or so of my life. I haven't had a lot of practise since then because adults don't give a lot of positive feedback in the world at large.

So I fell apart for a bit.

Thankfully, Tina Fey wrote her life story. Well, bits of it anyway. You can't stay upset reading her. I only wish her life had been much longer already.

I'm still not 100%. Some things are causing me untold anxiety and I'm dealing by ignoring them which is not good. What I'd really like is a good cry or a good something else. Not a party - I must be finally growing out of that although there's one at my house this weekend for the twins' birthday that I'm not invited to anyway. Can you imagine? It's my house - and I'm pretty sure a lot of my booze. But I'm supposed to find somewhere else to be. I've told them I will be in my room sleeping anyway by the time everyone gets here. I have ear plugs.

I finally went back to yoga again. It was hard.

What was harder was trying to park Gary's truck in the parking lot. Holy crap! The spaces were all super narrow and the lanes between the rows were also narrow. And I have very poor depth perception. I didn't wreck anything but it took 3 parking spaces before I found one I could maneuver into.

And the cat wouldn't let me do my puzzle:

If looks could kill huh?

2012-01-10T17:51:00.000-05:00

So we're watching a certain movie in the rec room - a movie that has a horse and is currently in theatres and Dex is watching with us. Now, I have no clue how well dogs see or what they see when they look at a tv. Is it like looking through the window for them except that the scene changes way too much? We know that some dogs seem to watch and some don't. Now Dex likes to watch if there are animals involved. He loved the Dog Whisperer. Now what happened to that guy? Did they shut him down? Was he doing unspeakable things to dogs who needed to go to his rehab centre? Because I have to say, I've always been suspicious because they never really showed anything they did there - just the dogs out in the yard.

But that's off the subject.

We're watching the movie and it gets to the part where there's bombs blowing up. Now Dex doesn't like those noises for some reason - some people set off fireworks New Year's Eve and he was concerned. But when the bombs are going off in this movie and the horse is running through, Dex starts getting really upset. First, he paws at my arm so I give him a hug and tell him it's ok - it's just pretend. But that's not good enough - he pretty much crawls into my lap and gets super sucky - and I still wasn't protecting him enough I guess because he had to crawl right between Gary and I to get hugs. He was staring at the screen and trying not to look at the screen and I'm sure he wanted us to save the horse or something - make the bombing stop - whatever. He didn't let up until the bombing was over.

He's a strange dog.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

2012-01-10T09:33:00.000-05:00

As a first attempt at drawing - never mind painting - a dog (or pet in general) I suppose it's not too bad but I'm disappointed.

I was also trying to get an impressionistic vibe going but frankly, I haven't the faintest how to do that. So everything is heavy handed and the form suffered. Plus it's a strange perspective and I'm not sure which body parts go where from the photo and I think, looking at it here, I failed to put them right. oops.

Can't win them all. It's recognizable as Winston but it won't be hung on anyone's wall.

You win some, you lose some.

Will I try again? ehnn - one day maybe. It wasn't as much fun as splashing sunlight on water.

Sorry Winston. I still love you. Good dog.

Tickled - or - Yay for me!

2012-01-07T15:56:00.002-05:00

My baby phoned me yesterday to chat as she waited for the bus - which didn't come which means she missed it - necessitating an emergency pick up so she could get to work on time so I took along the last painting to show her.

And she asked if she could have it! This surprised me considerably because she has specifically said she didn't want any landscapes and had zero interest in the sunrise painting I did before.

But - she loves the colours. (we are pretty in sync colourwise)

And she asked if it was a "real" place. (I think she was a little disappointed that it was)

Now, I don't want to discount all the encouragement and support you guys give. I appreciate every favourable comment more than you can know. I do know I have some talent - but I'm no master. And don't argue with me - because it takes a few more than 18 paintings to become a master by anyone's calculations. (one of those trendy books says that the "best" at what they do took at least 10,000 hours to get there. I have a very - VERY long way to go) {{Not to toot my horn because I am a grave disappointment to my mother - I tend to be very good very early when starting something new. My problems arise when people (my mother) expect waaaaay more than I can deliver - not understanding that I am still a novice - and have overwhelming expectations that leave me shocked and unable to deliver under the pressure and I inevitably quit altogether - in fact, due to my mother's unreal expectations, I refuse to even show her my paintings to avoid being discouraged - they are hidden when she comes over}} In fact, when something turns out, at this point, I consider it more accidental than planned because I really don't know what the hell I'm doing regardless of the outcome.

I must say that I am really thrilled that my baby wanted this painting. She does not mindfuck anyone. She does not pretend to like something. So although she has always applauded my efforts and my "skills", she has not been particularly fond of anything I've produced so far. (In fact, she was the one who booked and paid for my first painting course.) So I'm sure you understand how monumental this is. I did not expect to have anything worthy for quite a while yet. And I was okay with that. Comfortable. Secure. Not impatient.

So, anyway, I bought a frame for it - not the best but there were precious few to choose from. It will be a birthday present of sorts. I hope she likes it well enough.

I think I need to tidy up my bar.

It doesn't look like much but...

2012-01-06T14:57:00.000-05:00

The flats are Dex's favourite place on earth:

He "asks" to go to the flats every single day. He'll come and put his paw on your arm and look at you as he telepaths his request. One or both of us will take him most days - unless we are too busy or the weather is too cold or wet. On those days, we tell him we're sorry but no, we can't go. And he lies about dejected and sighing the rest of the day. He is happier if we can manage to even just take him in the car with us somewhere. He doesn't like having to stay home all the time.

Dex has learned the way to the flats - it's about a 15 minute drive from home. At first, he would start to whine in excitement as we got close to the parking area, then it was when we turned down the lane to it, then it was when the last village came in site. Earlier in the fall, he let out a big whine when, by accident, I had driven past the turn from the highway (I'd had it in my head that I was going to physio). Today, he was whining in anticipation from the time I said I'd take him. He kept laying his paw on my arm during the drive as if asking if he could please take over the driving because I was going far too slow. He's like a five year old on Christmas Eve barely able to contain himself. I don't know what we'd do without the place. There's no way I could walk around enough blocks to make him happy.

My apologies

2012-01-06T11:45:00.001-05:00

I think you may have had to be in my head yesterday - and know the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and Gone With the Wind - to understand what the heck I was saying.

Sorry. Sometimes, I just presume that everyone knows everything I know which is pretty senseless. We all do it to some extent - start blathering on using the lingo and thought processes of our subject and except for those in the know, all everyone hears is blah blah blah. Which is partly what makes Big Bang Theory funny - Assuming, of course, that you watch Big Bang Theory. If you don't, sorry again.

sigh

I was in pain yesterday and my world gets very small at such times.

My forays into worlds others don't understand may be a good reason I don't connect with people huh? Why I get the blank stares. Why others laugh when I'm serious. Why I laugh alone. (It is quite unnerving to be the only one laughing uncontrollably in a full movie theatre by the way.)

I am coming to terms with being on another planet. I'm not so very lonely here. There are lots of me to talk to.

Unfortunately, I have passed along my tendencies to at least one of my children. My oldest will often start a conversation in the middle of a complicated thought process that's been in his head. So I do know what it's like to be on the other side. My father did it too. Of course, I've always handled it very differently than how most people do to me - I'd say "What the hell are you talking about?" and laugh heinously. It's really too bad my Dad couldn't have hung on to being in his lonely world long enough for my sons to join him. They spoke the same language. To me, it's like listening to Spanish: I plainly understand the odd word, can sometimes get the gist but usually, I'm totally in the dark. But they talk to me like I'm following it all. My dad, and my sons and those Spanish speakers really truly believe I know what they are saying. Why? Is my look not blank enough? Have I perfected nodding at the right time without knowing it? Ah well, at least my boys have each other to talk to.

My daughter does not handle my other worldly adventures gladly. She gets offended at everything she thinks I'm saying and goes off on her own tangent. And I am usually in total agreement with her. I know I make a lot blanket statements that I don't mean - but words are just too slow and imprecise to keep up with me sometimes. I leave most of the thought in my head. Too concise for my own good. Because when I don't condense what I say, the listener's (or reader's) eyes glaze over and I lose them anyway. I've never found that middle ground. Too much detail, or not enough.

Such is life.

I've been looking at my photos, trying to find my next painting. It's funny how I spend more time looking for my next idea than I do actually painting it. I should probably spend less time looking and more doing. It's like I just have to get it done and out there as fast as possible. I can't bear to look at it unfinished. Even worse is having anyone else look at it. I want to say - no! don't say anything! it's not done - it's not what it is yet! wait! as though they are incapable of seeing for themselves that it isn't done.

Garbage Day

2012-01-05T10:11:00.001-05:00

We got the trash out last night. This is worthy of mention because we don't always manage.

We saw the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo last night. Gary didn't get it. The volume was fairly low so I missed some of the important vocabulary too. I read the book but I don't remember any of it. But I still enjoyed the movie. The story is a little more complex than most. Gary will probably not want to see any sequels. Do you think they'll turn Salander into a James Bond type movie series - going way beyond the available books to continue the story that was unfortunately cut short? Did the dude leave notes behind saying where it was supposed to go?

I hope and hope not.

Someone wrote a sequel to Gone With the Wind which was just stupid. Because the second author just didn't get the tragedy of Scarlet. That the tragedy was the point. It isn't a romance even though it is advertised as one. It is the tragedy that makes it good. She wrecked it.

I've got a number of tragedies going in my life. The good old "if only"s. Let me tell you that will power and determination and courage have nothing on tragic flaws. No one's writing any books about mine though.

It's those tragic flaws that we love most about celebrities isn't it? Yes, we love that they are beautiful and successful and rich - often coming from nothing much but blooming into greatness. We love it because then there is hope for us. We too could make it. Of course, most of us don't and that's a little depressing. So we love it even more when their tragic flaws come out and they come tumbling down in our estimation. Oh how we gloat and yet pretend we are not members of the cult of schadenfreude. Because the fall of the mighty ones shows that they are mere humans too and not so different from any of us. We may not be gorgeous and rich and great XXXXXXs but we didn't do XXX. And so we are better than the best.

Humans are such animals.

But animals can often be soft and cuddly so we are not beyond redemption are we?

Thoughts on a cold day

2012-01-04T13:35:00.000-05:00

I am trying to be productive today. I have found a multitude of items that were never entered into the books prior to my surgery. I must have been very out of it. I know I was. I think I am just coming out of the whole experience now. Thinking back, there is such a fog. In fact, a lot of my life seems to be in a fog. Even the early nasty memories which were once so clear and large and painful are now foggy. Where did I go?

I have the sense that I have not lived my life. I have just gone through the motions.

I have always been afraid to be real while being unable to act otherwise. Insincerely authentic.

How can I explain how I feel like I'm only just waking up. Not even. In that place between awake and asleep. The eyes aren't even open yet and dreams are more real than what's out there. But the dreams now are pleasant - not the nightmares of long ago.

I think our trip to Belize, as short and busy and pointless and un-relaxing as it was, helped me somehow. Being at close quarters with someone who you have traditionally been at odds with, and not just getting along with them, but enjoying their company - glad even - to have them along, was ?????

I don't know - I don't have the words. It was many things at once. Unexpected, yes. But not a surprise. Not really.

Joyful. Freeing.

I did not feel like I was under her judgment all the time. She is quite a judgmental person. I have always been hyper-sensitive to being judged. I intensely dislike being tested, or examined. I am fearful of what will turn up. That perhaps I am not a real girl after all. Or something.

But I felt good about using my very very poor Spanish when it came up. I felt accepted by the locals on our way through Mexico and Belize even when my attempts were laughable. And they laughed. And I laughed too when I found out what I'd said. It was funny after all. I could be wrong without being a bad person.

This is huge.

For my entire life, being wrong, or making a mistake has always been equivalent to being bad. Being not good or at least not good enough. A special standard just for me because it was always okay for everyone else to not be perfect.

So I'm guessing that it wasn't that my sister-in-law had changed, although she has - most definitely - but something has happened to me.

And that last painting is evidence of it. Thanks for your comments.

It is dramatic. And strange. And when I started it, my husband was particularly offended with the colours. And I laughed. Because he was absolutely right. And absolutely wrong too. Because I loved the colour whether or not it would "go" anywhere or whether anyone else liked it. They were "my" colours.

I did play God and removed a tree from the composition. And other parts of the painting are technically "wrong". It is far from perfect in any sense. As Joey pointed out, the rock I don't like, really should be darker. But as seems to happen in quantum theory, taking a picture with a camera changes the composition you are observing. Especially when you are no photographer and don't bother - or know enough - to change the settings on the camera for different lighting conditions. In this case, the flash went off the evening of the sunset and that rock was lit up. I did toy with the idea of adjusting for that and deleting my earlier mistake, but the truth is, I really love how things look when they are lit up in the dark. And so, I went ahead and painted the rock "lit up" even though, in a natural setting, this wouldn't happen. So what? Yes, it's not exactly right without an explanation but I'm not unhappy that the rock is lit up but that it just doesn't look all that rocky. Still, I don't care enough to play with it any longer. The painting makes me happy in all its imperfections. What's funny is that the feel good I get from it is entirely unconnected to the evening I took the picture. Serendipity.

And it really doesn't matter to me whether the painting appeals to everyone. It won't. But I am tickled to death that maybe it will strike someone - anyone else - the same way it does me. I have no way to measure that connection or know when it has happened for real - I'm just pretty sure that I am not the only strange person out there who believes there is a pink and purple world right along side the one we live in.

Tweaked

2012-01-03T13:02:00.004-05:00

Algonquin 12 x 16 Acrylic

I still don't like the rock

But I have to admit, I do like this painting. I enjoyed working with the colours.
I didn't have any moments of great frustration even with the rock I'm not fond of. It looks even less rocky online. It's weird how the paintings change when you take their picture then post them. hmmm.

In case you are wondering, this was based on an actual photo. That rock is the same rock as the painting with the canoe, but looking in a different direction.
We were camping in Algonquin Park - and the sun was setting after a day of rain rain rain.

The latest

2012-01-02T16:31:00.001-05:00

I'm not finished with this yet - not entirely happy - but it's a good start.

Obviously, the big rock on the bottom left needs work and also the sky. The water I will probably muck with just because.

Acrylic 12 x 16

Yes, it's a New Year

2012-01-02T10:41:00.000-05:00

We stayed in and I was asleep by the time the New Year rolled in. Gary woke me up with a kiss and I rolled over and went back to sleep.

The twins were at a party in the neighborhood at a friend's since grade 1 so they and their sweethearts spent what remained of the night here. Gary made them an Ulster fry for brunch and they went on their way again. Last night, we were invited to our oldest's house where April did her Christmas dinner at last. Although Gary stayed home. His tummy has been out of sorts for days. Perhaps he picked something up when we were away.

I've started another painting! There's a long way to go on this one. I think I'll keep it to myself until such time as I'm happy with it. Not that I'm unhappy - it just isn't nearly done and doesn't look like much yet.

The weather has turned nasty. And Gary wrecked the new snowblower first time out - sucked up a rock and it won't blow the snow out now. So, I guess we'll drag out the old one. And we need to get safety salt too. And I'll see if I can do any shoveling to help. Hell, my neck's been killing me anyway. Not as bad as it did but I've had some tingling and such which doesn't bode well. I suppose it's the damp and cold acting on the level that wasn't fused. At this point, surgery isn't necessary - but I will need more pain killers I think. That's life. It could be a lot worse. Many people my age have real health issues and so far, I'm basically healthy - just have a crappy neck.

So I'm off to see what can be done. Have yourselves a good one.

New Year's Practice Night

2011-12-31T11:43:00.000-05:00

We had a truly lovely dinner last night. I followed some new directions for making the roast which included a typo, I'm sure, of the roasting temperature and an hour before our guests were due, the roast seemed to have not even begun to cook. So I raised the temperature to where I thought it should have been. Our guests were delayed a bit as a credit card had gone missing and they were tracking it down - with success. The extra time allowed the roast to cook to perfection.

Gary insisted on setting out plates of cheese and crackers and shrimp on the coffee table which were barely touched because we were eating a big dinner right away.

And we ate roast beef cooked with carrots and onions and celery, and roast potatoes, broccoli and salad. There was pumpernickel bread which no one touched and healthyish banana cupcakes for dessert. Washed down liberally with beer. They drank Corona and I drank Stella. And we looked at trip photos and reminisced and laughed. And Pauline and I snuck yet another beer in the kitchen.

And during dinner, I heard what sounded like Dex lapping up water from his dish but coming from the wrong direction. I jumped up to find that Dex had cleared over half the plate of cheese and Macy was torn between the cheese and the shrimp. It was too funny to even give Dex hell. He knew. And besides, we shouldn't have left it there at mouth level.

I thought the beer should have gone to my head more and I should have felt worse this morning but I did not drink as much as I'd thought I had. (I counted the cans this morning) I slept fairly well considering Dex got me up every couple of hours for a trip outside. I slept late anyway and those extra couple of hours were the ticket.

And I feel so good.

We are not celebrating New Year's tonight by doing anything special. Perhaps I will undecorate. Perhaps I will paint. Perhaps I will reorganize a room somewhere. There are many to choose from that require it.

It's going to be a good year. I can feel it.
Even though we plan to be in Mayan country when the world ends December 21, 2012.

2011-12-30T10:37:00.001-05:00

I feel queasy. Again. What's up with my stomach anyway? Even when I'm not taking pain killers, it seems my tummy is queasy a lot these days. I don't get it. And we're supposed to have friends over for dinner later. Am I contagious? Or is it just that I'm getting old and can't digest all the rich Christmasy foods any more?

And still no sleep. Dex's innards are bothering him still too. Even though Gary did not give him turkey yesterday. Maybe he'll be better tonight. Or maybe he just likes going out to play in the dark. I'm not interested in what I may have to clean up if I deny him access to the back yard so I get up. And besides, he's already woken me up so it's done. I'm pretty sure tonight, I'll be saying "no" regardless.

I need to make cake. Try out that new mixer and use up those over ripe bananas before they are no good at all.

I think we will just be staying in for New Year's. A quiet evening is fine with me. New Year's is a younger person's good time. It's not for queasy people who want to go to bed at 9. And want to take down the Christmas tree on New Year's Day.

My brain is still not capable of multitasking. Was it the pain or the surgery or both that messed me up? Will it ever be better again? Or am I doomed to empty headedness and one track only thinking? I am so easily overwhelmed. It's a scary thing. I can't even get myself thinking about signing up for more painting classes. I haven't been to the gym for months. Thinking about going out in the cold makes me shrivel up inside - and it's not even all that cold out. But then, just taking clothes off to get dressed is too cold for me to do without major consideration.

Have I ever told you how much I hate the winter?

Imp

2011-12-29T10:11:00.001-05:00

Macy has turned into an evil little thing. Not really, but perhaps she's had too much of something that's made her extra feisty. She races around and flies up on furniture like she's some kind of super hero. She's run outside twice but we nabbed her before she got off the deck. And she's taken to climbing the Christmas tree. High, inside the tree. Last time, she swatted off an ornament - intentionally - that was old when I was little. She loves to play with Dex - and get him to chase her too.

We went to see the Nutcracker Ballet last night. It was not quite traditional. I think Lily and I were the only ones who enjoyed it. I don't care much about tradition anyway. If I've already seen it, I don't need to see it the same again. Give it a twist. Make it fresh. But some people don't like that. They like the comfort of knowing what to expect. Whatever.

Dex has had the runs for 2 days. and 2 nights. Gary keeps feeding him turkey and other treats.

Yay Christmas!

I'm at the point where I'm pretty much over it. We have friends coming over tomorrow so I'll try to leave all the Christmas crap in place but I don't know. I have a deep need to make a big change somewhere. I suppose I could vaccuum.

Aftermath

2011-12-27T16:23:00.004-05:00

Sleeping late and meandering through the day seems to be all I can do.

Some things are put away. Some things are pulled out.

There is too much food. Many goodies got stuck in the freezer. I don't understand why none of it seems to have been eaten. Someone brought deviled eggs and they have been barely touched. I'm not a lover of them myself - and besides, there was quiche still left. And on top of that, we made soup.

And even though I don't want any more baked goods around, I want to try out my new mixer. I have bananas getting over ripe so perhaps some cupcakes will be in order - and then I'll stick them in the freezer right away.

There is a lot of cheese too. A giant brie which I thought would go is still mostly there.

Oh my.

I guess this is what happens when your kids leave home. The leftovers linger forever. Why did no one tell me?

It is a sad thing. Christmas will never be the same again.

I also bought far too many drinks. As in juices. I bought so many. For drinking or mixes. Orange. Apple cider. Cranberry. Grapefruit. V8. And a case of coke and another of fresca. None touched.

Just a few beers gone and a couple bottles of wine.

I would rant but I haven't been drinking much either. I did, however, somehow subconsciously learn how to make the perfect margarita from the bartender in Mexico. I must have been watching every move without thinking. I realized that I needed sugar syrup instead of powder so I made some and lo! this has made all the difference! Tequila, lime juice, cointreau, syrup and ice and voila! And yet, even with such perfection available at my fingertips, I haven't "felt like it". There must be something monumentally wrong in the universe. The poles are about to shift! A solar storm like none other is coming! Planets are aligning!
Armageddon is imminent.

And Gary and I stopped in at one of our discount stores - he wanted more thermal underwear for walking Dex at the flats. And I bought yet another pitcher.

I have pitchers up the wazoo. What is this yearning for a multitude of pitchers? I have an antique one for mixing cocktails. A cobalt blue glass. Stainless steel. Numerous plastic ones I might use to water the plants. And now a simple tall heavy glass one. It's a sickness I think. I have a great many decanters as well. 5 or 6. Who needs that many decanters? Apparently, me.

I am constantly thirsty. Perhaps that's it. Liquids pass right through me. I am always in need of a drink. Water. Tea. I am currently working on both a glass of wine and a cup of tea. Who does that? And so, I am always in search of an oasis. The desert is all around me.

Deirdre has been in touch numerous times. It seems she absolutely loved taking the trip with us. She hopes to go again. I suppose I'm not such heinous company either. Who knew? My sister also called and has been hinting that she'd like to join us. I just don't know about the two of them. Did I mention Armageddon? Perhaps they would surprise me by becoming the best of friends. hahahahahahahahahahaha

Not likely.

But then again, they actually have much in common. Or at least some things.

We'll worry about it later.

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T15:47:00.001-05:00

Yesterday did not go as planned - if I'd had a plan in the first place - so it's good that I didn't or I might have been upset. By the time everyone was finally set to begin, I was exhausted and ready for bed. While perhaps, it might have gone better if I had had a plan, I doubt it, because church was involved for some and that is what held things up. Next year, I will work a nap in at some point.

Otherwise, it was a great evening - so many gifts in the living room that there was very little room for people. A maelstrom of wrapping paper everywhere. I got so much more than I wanted. My kids bought me a new mixer which is quite amazing because I had actually been looking at them quite longingly lately but didn't say anything because I really didn't need one. I already own a perfectly good one that has numerous attachments and such. But you know how people are. And I am one. So my unspoken wish was granted! Also, because I HAD mentioned wanting a noodle maker thingy, they bought the noodle press attachment as well. Yay!!! And I got a saw. Yes. I asked for a saw. There were numerous other wonderful gifts too and I feel very spoiled. And I am very happy. Thank you.

I woke up quite early this morning and could not sleep again. I came out to the kitchen to start cleaning and lo! it had been done! Gary stayed up late doing all the dishes. Merry Christmas to me! So I fussed and tidied the living room a bit and rearranged stuff to make room for new stuff. My entire house requires rearranging I think.

It has been a quieter day today. I got the turkey on and had a nap and got the veggies ready for round two. There will only be eight for dinner tonight - they should start arriving soon.

And so, in this corner there will be peace on earth and goodwill toward men.

Merry Christmas Eve!

2011-12-24T08:35:00.001-05:00

So my stockings are stuffed. The turkey is not. I still need to clean. There are likely still a couple presents to wrap (one went missing somehow). I never did finish decorating the tree. And it's obvious. Oh well.

But you know what? Christmas is going to happen. There is a little something for everyone although nothing special. That kind of sucks but no one is five so I think they'll manage. We have a lot of food - well maybe - it all has to be put together - but Sven has promised to help me out with the groceries and cooking and other food related duties. Cara has promised to be hungover from the party last night. Someone raised their kid right but it wasn't me. I've planned a vegetarian Christmas Eve menu. I haven't planned the menu - I've just planned to have one. As per our vegetarians so there will be shrimp and fish.

I have met my son's future mother-in-law and she's ok. She's not a girlie girl (she's a longshoreman) and I rather like that. She is what she is. I took her shopping last night for a few last things. We had our Lily along so I often had to distract (ooooh - look at that gorgeous shiny bag Lily!!!!) while some other fabulous item was being purchased behind our backs. Honestly, it was the most fun I've had shopping in a long time with Lily's exclamations of "Oh my God! I LOVE this!" every other minute. She has expensive taste that girl. Fell in love with $215 boots and similar bags. Of course, so did I. I bought myself some decadent arch supports. Live on the edge don't I?

Tis the season.

Well, I must begin my chores. Lasagna. Quiche. Wash the floor. Eat the sweets. Restock the platter. Thaw some shrimp. Shred some lettuce. Julienne carrots. Mix up some of that ambrosic dipping sauce for salad/fresh rolls. mmmm. Try to remember everything else that must be done. Try not to pour drinks until absolutely necessary. Gotta remember to make the Irish cream (especially to be served with breakfast coffee or hot chocolate tomorrow). Wake up Sven! Wake up!

Gary has taken Dex to the flats. He will buy beer and wine and pay a bill before coming home.

Happy Happy

You too!

Time

2011-12-22T10:49:00.001-05:00

Time is such a relative thing isn't it?

Since coming home, it has raced ahead of me. Yesterday is a blur. I'd blink and 4 hours would pass. The same thing seems to be happening today. I need to get with it!

I've got crabs

2011-12-21T07:30:00.001-05:00

Yes, I'm back.

I wish this little baby had come out actually looking crabby - he did for a bit but started crawling into his hole when I aimed the camera at him. He and his 5 billion brothers and sisters are currently living on our beach property. It seems they do grow bigger but are not considered good eating by the locals although the Mexicans will eat them. (Mexico is right across Chetumal Bay from our village.)

I found some lovely tiny shells on our beach too.

So this is part of our beach property. It has to be cleared of mangroves and sticks must be stuck in the water to encourage sand to come in. I have no clue how that works.

See that boat on the left? That's how we got there - that's the Caribbean you see. It is shallow forever. We had to drive the boat way out in order to not hit bottom for sure. And the gas was bad and the motor quit. Twice. Anchors away! A long rope was not required.

This is what the back of the property looks like - backing onto a lagoon. We can also access the property this way but we need to find a shallower boat. And bring a machete to hack away the mangroves.

We were supposed to have an acre and a half of land but the government cut it to just one acre for some reason (some rules about the size of properties) - beachfront but then it seems that we may get the entire lot after all.

We had a great adventure. When we arrived at the airport in Cancun, we looked for our car rental agent outside. Silly us - we have dealt with the same company forever but weren't sure this time if we got them (because they carry a number of companies under one roof) or someone else and we were lead astray. We produced our confirmation and the dude started saying that we had to buy more insurance. But he had us at a counter that had nothing to do with car rental. Gary does not pay more money than agreed upon easily and refused because he doesn't like to get screwed. After a good bit of arguing, I said, let's call "America" (the parent company we usually dealt with - we were thinking this was someone else) and see if they can get us a car. Gary agreed and the dude took off. Just then the America agent shows up - we had booked with them after all and everything was fine. The other guy was a scam artist at work. Shows you anyone can get be fooled for a little while.

And we got our car and started driving south. I sat in the back so Dee could see better and I napped for a good bit of the trip. We stayed at the casino in the Belize Free Zone so we could shop there the next day. This is a seven mile stretch of duty free shopping - Knock Off Kingdom. I should have taken a picture for you. We got some great stuff.

And then we headed to Orange Walk Town. Early the next day we took a boat trip to some ruins. Fantastic!

This little lady came on our boat - I had a video but Blogger won't load it. I'll try youtube later and link it if I can.

Just a few of the buildings at Laminae.

After Orange Walk, we wandered into one of the Mennonite communities to see if we could find a man that Gary had met when he was there with a friend who has relatives in the community. I was reluctant but glad he stuck to his guns when we finally found him. The Mennonites there are far friendlier than the ones here.

And then we headed to our little village to hang out. The locals treated us to lobster dinners and escabeche and ceviche. And took us to our beach. And we visited our property at the edge of town.

And we walked around the village a lot. It rained frequently so we didn't get much sun. But it was warm to hot and so great to be away. The many mutts running around are thrilled if you are friendly to them. The children also.

My sister-in-law was very easy to get along with. She began to complain a bit toward the end. We had warned her of the rustic conditions but she couldn't understand why there was no tv in Sarteneja (there is currently no cable service at all anyway) and the rooms weren't perfectly laid out and equipped. And there was no beach to tan on. And nothing to do in the evenings. And she didn't like spicy food. Wasn't thrilled with lobster. She did love the fish although she generally hates fish. And she loved our beach property. She claimed to love boats but was terrified going to the beach property as the water was rough and there were no life jackets. She also didn't understand why the locals love Gary and I so much. (I'm not her favourite person in the world.) I don't really understand either but I presume that most gringos try to screw them over.

We insisted on paying for our room in Sarteneja - our host was reluctant - but finally agreed and took his daughters (we will be witnesses at Justino and Midely's wedding next December) over to Mexico to buy some new clothes for Christmas. So our final good-byes were made while waiting at one of the manual ferry crossings. I was explaining how sad it was to leave Belize and come back to the land of too many rules. We'd been talking about dogs so I explained all the rules about dog ownership here. How we needed to have a license for the dog $32/year - more if they weren't neutered. The eyebrows rise in incredulity. But before you can get the license, your dog needs shots: $200. A large grin of amusement and disbelief. And total hilarity ensued when I said that our dogs have to be leashed at all times and if they get away and we can't get them back ourselves, and they get caught - we pay $50 - $100 (I couldn't remember which) to get them back. When I told him our "cheap" dog cost $300, he was sure our country was batshit crazy.

And we found a deal on an all-inclusive in Playa del Carmen to stay in our last night so we'd be close enough to the airport to fly out again. It wasn't on the beach but we got there too late and left too early to take advantage of it anyway. It was the Real Playa del Carmen and had the friendliest staff I have ever experienced anywhere. I also had the best margarita ever.

Alky alert: Gary bought a bottle of rum and a bottle of vodka in Orange Walk - both made in Belize - $5 American each. I do not like vodka but that vodka was fantastic. No rubbing alcohol taste. No furniture oil taste. No taste. Just warm. We haven't tried the rum yet. I did buy a horrendously expensive tequila at the Cancun duty free - $49 American. But they give samples and this one was so smooth - Patron anejo was like mezcal in comparison.

After we got home, Cara, who had had her cats at our house all week to stay with Macy but had taken them back home, picked up Dex, who had sulked all week at Graeme's because Mystic (their cat) kept beating him up, and brought him home. He was one happy happy dog. And Macy got the Cutest Thing Ever prize when Dex finally settled down and was lying on our bed. She couldn't get close enough to him - rolling around on him, crawling under him, wrapping herself around his legs and muzzle and giving him love bites. She obviously missed him more than us. Which is ok since we got her for company for him.

And now I must get laundry done, clean the house and somehow get ready for Christmas.

Bye Bye!

2011-12-12T11:14:00.002-05:00

Off to Belize!
Not even close to ready for Christmas so let's hope we get some good shopping in while we're away.

Ehn. I've got something for almost everyone so at least there's something to unwrap. There's always cash.

And there will be a couple of days when we get back.

If I don't come back, it's been great!

Love you all!
Have a Merry Christmas if I don't have a minute to catch up before then.

Forget "Love" - Shopping Hurts

2011-12-11T20:32:00.001-05:00

So Friday, I went shopping a bit with my daughter and got "crabby face". When I have crabby face, although I'm not scowling, it feels like I am and can't stop. It is uncomfortable. So I said "Enough. Let's take Dex for a walk" and we did.

I managed, later, to get the tree up. After rearranging all the living room furniture and some of the dining room. It was a frustrating experience because I am no longer able to manage the big tree box so Crabby Face turned to just plain Crabby. So Lily put most of the ornaments on the tree for me while I had a medicinal tequila or two. Poor kid is learning bad things from me.

I finished the ornaments yesterday morning but it needs some sparkle. With the new kitty, tinsel is out. So Lily and I eventually went out so I could buy some new ribbon as I am tired of my old gold stuff. I bought a wreath for the door too as it was pretty cheap and I can never be bothered decorating the plain one I have. I had hoped to do some actual gift shopping but I had to get Lily to soccer then race over to Cambridge, our next door city across the river to her church pageant rehearsal. I had a full blown migraine by then and didn't know how long the practice would be so I stayed rather than go shopping there (I was pretty much downtown). My phone was dead so April and Graeme, who couldn't find out whether I'd stayed or dropped her off, showed up and I was able to beat it home. I was starving. But I didn't know if I could eat - or rather find something to eat - before going to bed or whether I could fall asleep without eating. But yay!!! Gary had picked up chinese food just a few minutes before I came home and had it served practically before I got up the stairs. I shoveled it in and found my eye mask and ear plugs and passed out. I have never combined both sleep aids before. Let me say it was MAGIC. I woke up hours later feeling so much better. I stayed up for a bit then went back to bed and used them again. No waking up until I had to pee. Before I got back to sleep again, Dex came in from the living room to ask me to sleep out there with him (it's cooler for him there but he doesn't like to be alone). So I did - with my new best friends - and that was it until the phone rang at 8. My baby wants me to take her shopping. Good idea.

I may never try to sleep again without ear plugs and the eye mask.

I am still on the edge of migraine country but hopefully, it will pass by and not hit again this afternoon.

I got my hair cut. I went back to my Vietnamese lady - rather than my Baby's boss's wife who is also Vietnamese but away up in Waterloo. I called Chin to see when she could take me. "Right now" so I went. She asked what I wanted. "Just chop it off. I don't care. Do what you want." She said she would shave me if I shaved her. I told her she probably wouldn't want me shaving her. Anyway, it's short. It's boy short. I love it. Too short for bedhead. I asked her "How much" She says "$150" "Oh - you've put your prices up a bit. Let's glue some of this back on." And she only charged me $15. Seriously? (That's the men's price.) But she said it was just a quick cut - and there was nothing to style so fair enough. I may keep it like this forever. Perfect for the trip.

Peace on Earth

2011-12-08T08:57:00.001-05:00

These two are getting along very well and I'm so happy. Macy is the taking the lead. Bandit and Mystic had Dex fairly traumatized as far as cats go. They were so cute on the bed last night. Macy laid down nose to nose with Dex then very gently batted his schnoz with her paw - no claws - to get him to play with her. And he did! He's not actually very dexterous but how were we to know when we named him? but he tried very hard not to really whack her with his great clumsy paw. And he'd nuzzle her belly. And then eventually, she'd get him to chase her for a bit. Dex still doesn't like having to share us with someone else but he does like to have a friend.

FAIL!

2011-12-07T13:18:00.001-05:00

So, my kid wanted to go to Costco with me because I have a membership and he doesn't. I was to call when I was ready to go.

I had another cup of tea, looked at my bedhead and did nothing with it and picked up the phone. Listening to it ring, I decided to pretend to prank him - not a real prank because obviously, my phone number and name come up on his display and besides, he was expecting the call.

So I think I'm going to do that gravelly Louis Armstrong semi-creepy voice to say

"I'm coming to get you! Mwahaha!"

But I haven't practiced that voice in a long time and it didn't come out the way I expected.

He thought I was choking until I cracked up laughing at my lame incomprehensible attempt to pretend to scare him.

It was really really bad. But funnier than it would have been.

Maybe I shouldn't go back to bed

2011-12-07T10:44:00.001-05:00

I've had a recurring theme in my dreams lately. I dream and in the dream I wake up and discover that it was just a dream, but then I wake up for real.

The other night I was dreaming and dreamt that Gary woke me up only to find Gary waking me up.

Last night, I dreamt I had a baby. It had been a surprise - I'd only figured out I was pregnant a couple weeks before and only gone to the doctor a week before. Only a few people knew about the baby. I had the baby at home alone - because I had no labour pains - and it was a beautiful baby boy. He was only 2 days old and I was holding him in my bed with Gary beside me - we were loving his smile when it turned into a grimace and the little tyke starts to cry and I realized that this was the first time he'd cried. And then it occurred to me that I hadn't fed him yet - in 2 days!!! No wonder my boobs were sore (I'm pmsing and my boobs are sore) What kind of mother was I? and he had a diaper on but I couldn't remember having bought diapers - in fact - I had nothing to care for the baby. No crib. No clothes - nothing. What was I thinking? And next thing, I'm waking up but there's no baby. Where did it go? How can I get help to find the baby when nobody knows I even had it? I panicked and wondered if it had all been a dream - but it couldn't be - it was so real and detailed and was 2 weeks long all this business about the baby. I was thinking I had lost my mind. And then I woke up. No baby. Just a kitten licking at my chin.

This is just so weird. Dreaming that I'm dreaming. It's messing with my head.

I should go back to bed

2011-12-05T08:28:00.001-05:00

For unknown reasons, I woke up at maybe 2 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. I read an entire book. It wasn't even good and I thought it would put me to sleep. It failed miserably.

It was a travel/discover yourself book written by a Canadian. (What the Psychic Said to the Pilgrim, I think) It was like and very unlike Eat Pray Love. First off, the woman was not a spoiled bitch so I wasn't rolling my eyes and entirely irritated with her superficiality. Her trip was only a month and was spent hiking some 800 mile Pilgrim trail in Spain. Staying in hostels. Getting irritated with people. Getting lice. She did not get overly enlightened. It was a let down. Yet it wasn't. And she met a man - that she didn't get hinky with until after she got back home. Let it be said that I will not be making that particular journey. Seems sort of stupid. For me. I am missing something that seems to speak to many other people. (Sorry Virgin a Day people - I really don't get it). Much of what she went through, we seem to touch on every time we go on a holiday. Being lost, speaking to people from different countries when no one speaks the other's language, getting grimy and looking for a decent place to eat, and my muscles are always sore - I don't need a trek for that.

As for the spiritual aspect: I have rarely felt "spiritual" in contrived settings. In fact, quite the opposite. I detest being manipulated. It bugs my ass that I'm supposed to "feel" a certain way at preset times and get all emotional about it. It doesn't work that way for me.

For instance, after childbirth, women are supposed to go through some rapture after the birth and look at their new children, and hold them and cry and fall in love. Me? I was just exhausted. Over tired. All I wanted was some peace and quiet and dark and a banky. And food. And I was puzzled a bit because I really didn't feel like holding babies. I did later. After a rest and some sustenance. And I don't think for one minute that I am the only one who has ever felt like this. But there's this rule that mothers are supposed to be ecstatic when they see their babies. God help you if you suggest you felt any other way. You are a monster. Bull Shit.

And so it goes with Spiritual Quests. I am more likely to encounter God in the middle of the night or driving in my car than in church. Rarely when other people are around. They are distracting. Often, they seem to be posing. I am more at peace walking my dog than mingling with Christians at church. In fact, I am more at peace with sinners than with Christians. Sinners tend to be more accepting. I can speak my heart to a drug addict without judgment or censorship. Be a little real at church and you can hear the barriers snap in place. It seems to be more about power than love there. Get with the program or get out. I guess I'm out. I've never really been much of a joiner. Clubs and their rules. Conformity. Makes me claustrophobic. We can't love you if you aren't like us! is what I hear. But I'm not like them. In my heart of hearts I know I never will be.

So, although no one is asking, I'm not going to go on any quests in this lifetime. The answer, if there is one, if there is even a question to be answered, is in the day to day - not in some foreign land. Moments of bliss can not be scheduled.

Interesting people are everywhere if you want to meet them. Familiarity tends to make them less interesting. It's important to understand that love takes over when the fascination is gone. No lover/friend/child/pet can hold your unbounded admiration forever. The day comes when they puke or poop on the clean sheets for the third time in the middle of the night and are entirely unlovable and yet, you care for them anyway. You care for them because they are yours to care for. They do not deserve it. They are not up to thanking you. They don't even smell good. But they are yours and so you love them. Sometimes so desperately that you wish you were the one suffering so they wouldn't have to.

No quest necessary.

Maybe it's just not that simple for some. There are other factors to consider. And if they stop being yours then you are off the hook anyway.

Or some lose their way accumulating stuff that's supposed to mean something - that you are successful or worthy or some such crap when all it means is that you figured out a good way to get money. That's all. There's no special blood that entitles you, or golden characteristic (outside working for it or lucking out) that makes you deserve more than someone else. Not everyone is even striving for all that stuff. Lording your shit over people who don't care is stupid. Caring about shit just because other people do is even stupider. Materialism, capitalism is not the way "God" meant for us to live, contrary to what certain people would have us believe. If more really was more than all those rich people we admire so much would be happy. But that doesn't seem to be the case now, does it? They are just as miserable - in a great deal more comfort in some ways perhaps - perhaps not - but they have their problems too. And if you are in great anxiety over wearing the "right" label then maybe you hang with the wrong crowd. Period. Because there is no right label if the proper bits are covered in public. Yes, I appreciate "good" things. Quality. When it is stuff that I need to have last a while, then the value is there. If it is something that will be "out" next year, then I should probably get a cheap one. And beauty is also important. We do get pleasure out of seeing. No doubt. And hearing. And touching. And smelling. Our senses communicate the world to us and we prefer it to be pleasant. But that doesn't mean we need the "designer" of the day. Sunsets are free for everyone. Flowing water captivates. The scents of a florist rose or wild Lily of the Valley are both heady. As can a slice of toast be when you are hungry. Most of us have not been really hungry for a while. A trek might be good for that one.

One could say I'm a little cynical about the world. Not really the world - people. Myself included. I am an unlikely cover girl for anything. But, the thing is, as hopeless as people seem to be, I don't really see us as hopeless. We are evolving. Slowly. It takes a long time for everyone to come on board. Especially if the first ones on the train are proselytizing in an offensive way. But I think we will get there. It may require a near extinction event to get us to the next level entirely, if we don't face total extinction. But even if the worst happens, the world will continue turning without us. And when the next conquering species finds our little plastic boxes that contain only more plastic and a few bits of metal - corroded and useless, they will wonder about the ones who swarmed like ants and left almost nothing of import behind.

Is it in the genes?

2011-12-04T11:13:00.001-05:00

As stated before, my family went out to dinner to celebrate my mother's 90th a couple weeks ago. My husband picked up the tab for our kids because he feels, as patriarch, it's his duty. Really, only one of the kids "required" the service and one is in a better financial situation than we are and could have easily paid for his own but we can't discriminate. My cheapskate millionaire brother could not, even with severe goading from us, bring himself to pay for his daughter, the only one of his clan to show, even though she is supporting her family by babysitting as her husband goes through school. But that's neither here nor there and has nothing to do with the post. It just irritates the hell out of me how cheap he is.

The other night, we took the crew out to dinner for the year end/Christmas dinner. Same restaurant as two weeks ago. Good abundant food at a reasonable price. (Love Greeks).

Anyway, for the past couple years, I have enjoyed Stella Artois beer on tap when we have gone out. I can't tell you why, exactly, I like it. I'm no beer aficionado or anything. I'm pretty happy with Labatt's Blue at home or Bud in the States - they are safe enough for me. I do have to be careful though. Some beer stimulates my gag reflex - which is a strong indication that I shouldn't drink it because I am guaranteed a massive migraine if I continue. Some will give me the migraine anyway. Some, I just plain don't like because they taste like crap. But Stella is safe. And it tastes different enough that I feel like I'm having something special. So I like to have one when it is available.

I noticed the other night that my oldest son, who is the crew foreman, had also ordered a Stella. hmmm, I thought. Is he ordering it because I did? Kinda weird.

But then, this morning I happened to pick up the receipts from our dinner a couple weeks back where the kids (26 to 30 year olds - am I showing my age?) were seated across the room from us - and both my sons had had Stellas - as I had but independently. There were a number of beers on tap - including Heineken so it wasn't that it was the only imported beer available.

Interesting.

So, is the preference in the genes?

Momma told me to be something, so I'm afraid...

2011-12-02T08:29:00.001-05:00

So I spoke too soon yesterday. I guess I won't be taking those pain pills again. I ended up puking all day - couldn't even keep down Gravol. A little embarrassing - I drove to my daughter's to pick her up to join Dex and I at the flats and puked on the lawn. Then again when we got to the flats, I barely made it out of the car. Classy lady - that's what I am. What amazes me is that, before the surgery, the pill just took the edge off the pain and I didn't get high at all - and only after a few days on it, I'd feel a little nauseous - and the gravol was fine for that - I never actually threw up.

But the pill wore off enough to eat dinner. I made spaghetti which I haven't done probably for years. It was really good. I used Italian sausage instead of ground beef which I normally only do for lasagna - which I prefer but since I don't have the noodles or the cheeses, I figured spaghetti would have to do. I was expecting to use penne noodles or something but shocked myself by finding a tin full of spaghetti. I must have bought some variety pack at Costco a few months ago that included it and then forgot after putting it in the tin. I shouldn't be eating regular pasta at all. I try to just eat rice noodles but they don't come in all the shapes. I should probably try to just make them myself. It's crazy. Rice noodles in the Asian section of the grocery store are dead cheap. But go to the regular pasta section and a non-wheat noodle is ridiculously expensive. Go figure.

So it looks like the guys are done working. There is still work to do but the weather just isn't cooperating any more. I'm doing up the last of the pays and the records for them to collect unemployment. I wish it meant I had nothing left to do but it doesn't. Still, the load gets lighter. Maybe I'll manage to get caught up.

Maybe I'll paint more.

Maybe I'll start baking for Christmas.

Maybe I'll do some Christmas shopping!

Have a great weekend everyone.

2011-12-01T08:16:00.001-05:00

Feeling pretty good - I took one of my 24 hour pain killers last night. The weather hasn't been kind to these old bones.

I have heat in my car at last though!!!65ttttttttttttt (a message from Macy)

Macy has found her inner terrorist. She has been much more active and ferocious and feisty. She's still very gentle - doesn't get her claws out even if she's batting at you but she's tearing around and getting into trouble at every possible opportunity. She's also wanting to go outside but we don't want to let her out too soon and chance losing her.

My sister-in-law was over yesterday. And horrified me. She had met some former missionaries who had worked in Belize but since retired and come back to Canada. Their children, however, had remained in Belize - they had married and settled there. She says, "I don't know who they would have married. Probably Mennonites. Surely they wouldn't marry the locals." She actually snorted.

??????????????????????????????????

Why? I asked. They're just people.

She better not play all uppity while we are there. I'd forgotten how she appears to other people - not just me. She could seriously offend someone and that could hurt our relations. I can see Gary tearing a new one for her if she's out of line. His inner drama queen comes out when his temper flares. If the two of them go at it, I don't want to be there.

Nothing gets my back up like someone doing that arrogant snort or sniff. Just makes me want to slap them silly. Another sister-in-law of mine - my oldest brother's wife does it continually when she's bragging on this or that. I read somewhere that those sniffs and snorts are involuntary. These people can't help doing it - they truly believe they are superior creatures. Probably why it irritates me so much. Because I know they are definitely not superior. I don't know where they even get the notion they are.

The mind wanders some.

2011-11-29T12:09:00.001-05:00

We're having an awful rainy boring day today. I should go Christmas shopping except that our mechanic who still hasn't fixed the heater in my car is coming sometime to make another attempt sometime.

I don't know what to shop for anyway. My kids don't need me to buy them clothes any more. I have no clue what electronics they might want and that stuff tends to be too expensive to screw up on. I just have no clue. Something for the house maybe? I haven't even seen the one kid's place. Cara doesn't care about the decor much in her apartment although if I found a nice piece of art, I'm sure she'd be happy - but she expects me to paint it for her anyway. I'm not sure buying art for someone is risk free either even if you think you know. Lily should be easy enough but she hasn't produced her list yet. Gary will be impossible.

My sister-in-law is driving me crazy. She's going to Belize with us in a couple of weeks and phones multiple times a day to ask about baggage and what to pack and how to pack and what she needs and insurance and do we have rooms booked and on and on. Frig. Don't worry about it! Just grab some shit and throw it in a bag - whatever you normally like to wear in the summer and add a sweater in case it's cool. And some comfy closed in shoes in case we go into the jungle. Sneakers or something. So now she's going crazy about the shoes. My. God. I hope she doesn't torment us all the time we're away. Where we go. What we eat. What time to get up in the morning or go to sleep at night. I guess we just aren't like other people. We just wing it most of the time. Do what we feel like doing. Or not doing anything at all. We don't go after excitement - it can find us if it wants to. I'm just not big on DRAMA. I don't even know where our suitcases are and don't care yet.

I hope she's not expecting much. We do not do a lot of touristy things - or we do not do them in touristy ways. We eat where the locals eat - or they feed us. And do what the locals do. We will see some ruins we haven't seen before. And we'll shop at the 7 mile free zone but not marathon shopping because I just don't. We'll need to see some people and some more people. Make the rounds. I am interested in seeing the Island some time but don't care if we do it this time. Maybe we'll do some deep sea fishing - not that we care about the fishing but I know the boat ride will be great - the one guy wants to take us out but whether or when that will happen, who knows? You know. Manana. It's why it's great that we aren't inclined to hold to schedules and map everything out ahead of time or let it get to us that things don't always happen this time around. Hopefully, someone will take us to our beach property so I can see it. And we'll have to do some legal stuff for the property too sometime. And beyond that I intend to just wander the streets and enjoy the sunshine. She better not make me feel like I'm the hostess and there to entertain her. Because it won't bode well. Maybe she'll be ok. I can dream. One thing, I don't think she'll cross me again. I don't react to that shit the way she likes. I run cold instead of hot. And I don't end up the loser.

2011-11-27T13:00:00.001-05:00

So Macy (comes out Maisie a lot) loves her crate. She goes in there to sleep all the time. She's an amusing little creature.

My younger son's "girlfriend" had to go to Mexico for a couple weeks for work. She got back yesterday so they came around to say hello and she had brought me some wonderful minis of tequila. Both she and Matt admired the quickie sunrise painting which Graeme had said he'd take but never did so I let them have it. They headed right out to buy a frame for it. I directed them to the new art supply store I've been going to because they have some basic frames really cheap. Hope they found one.

I guess I should just do more of those sunrise/sunset on the water paintings - those seem to be what people like. Maybe it will end up being my "thing". Why not - I never get tired of looking at the sunset or water - it's different every time. I'll need to travel some more to get more pictures to work from because we're a little land locked here. Darn. It's such a tough life.

There

2011-11-25T11:35:00.001-05:00

Fixed up - better than before. I need to figure out a way to photograph these things better.

Ok, I had an awesome picture of Dex and the kitten (I'm thinking of calling her Macy Gray - because Misty is too close to Lily's cat Mystic but it's close enough that the kitten will answer to it - what do you think?) but I didn't realize I hadn't transferred it to my computer and I deleted it. Duh.

I have Lily and Winston for a couple days because her parents are off shopping at Black Friday sales down south of the border. Good luck to them - I'd rather pay higher prices than be part of that crowd.

Dex is very protective of his kitty. He tries to keep Winston away from her - blocking him from getting too close. Never mind that she's not always appreciative of Dex's attention either.

I'm tired. I didn't sleep well last night - no idea why - too many animals I suppose, trying to sleep with me. On me. sigh.

2011-11-24T13:21:00.001-05:00

There she is with her white eyeliner. In the coveted position on Cara's lap.

And Dex is doing his "cold shoulder" treatment because there is a kitten in the coveted position.

"My life is just so hard since that cat got here"

It's important to get them connected to the web right away.

Kitty taking over Dex's spot.

Dex needs kisses - didn't eat the kitty for usurping his place.

Dex happy to have the good spot now.

Ok, I'll be thankful even if I'm Canadian

2011-11-24T08:29:00.001-05:00

I'm thankful for new kitty kats!

One of our mechanics who is not our personal mechanic but takes care of the more ordinary vehicles when there is overflow work said we could have a kitten. They had two litters - one was 5 months old, the other 3. We went last night to pick one out. But they hid all the kittens they did not want us to take. The two 5 month old kittens left were very attached to each other - and already big - I did not want 2 or to split them and there was only one of the 3 month olds who one of the kids was very very reluctant to part with but Dad was adamant. I'm not at all sure how many cats they actually have. I think they said 11. They said we could bring her back if it didn't work out though.

Her name is Misty but I will probably call her Sweetie or Baby. She is grey and pretty and soooo affectionate and gentle. She is not at all like Bandit. She has surpassed Bandit's relationship with Dex already. I predict that they will be snuggling within a week - maybe by the end of today. Unless Dex does something stupid. He gets all excited when she lets him close up and can't help but let out a giant bark which scares the crap out of her so she bolts. And then he chases because What Fun!!! But she is not nearly as timid as Bandit, or as terrified when Dex is being still and is very curious about him too. She slept wrapped around my head. Dex was up between Gary and I, on his back with his head on the pillow or alternately on my shoulder. He's a suck. Bandit never did such a thing.

So today, I'll have to buy a litter box and some food and a climber thing and toys and bowls and does it ever end? (Matt didn't take a giant Costco box of litter so I am making do with a Heineken beer can case for now)

2011-11-23T09:13:00.001-05:00

Better today I think - after yesterday's indolence. I didn't have to babysit or even make supper. Dex couldn't have been better - not once did he lay his paw on my arm and psychically message me that he would very much like to go to the flats now if it wasn't too much trouble. You have no idea how monumental this is. He generally starts asking at about 8 am and keeps it up until I take him. He'll be lying around sleeping somewhere - the bedroom or living room and suddenly up and trot in to wherever I happen to be - usually at my computer - and stand up and not so gently tug at my arm like a little kid. If I say no, he'll look crestfallen and ask to go outside at least. Repeat this about once an hour until I take him out somewhere. Sometimes, if I take him out first thing, he seems to forget he's already been that day and asks again after dinner. So for him to not once ask me to take him out is newsworthy. It's never happened before. He just laid around with me all day - and go out to pee once in a while. His big effort at having some fun was after dinner when he found a yogurt tub and set about ripping it to bits. He did a good job.

Surprise! You're still sick!

2011-11-22T09:13:00.001-05:00

It took over 2 weeks for me to catch this cold from my husband and I thought I'd got off lightly as I felt pretty good on Saturday. But then I turned out to be seriously dippy too didn't I? So the cold has moved from my head and settled deeply in my chest. I feel almost stoned. Maybe there's no almost. If my chest wasn't burning and the coughing so violent this might be fun. I had wonderful sick dreams all night - nothing ghastly which is nice. Just those marvelous shifting, morphing dreams where nothing and everything is happening and you can't put your finger on it but it must mean something. But all it means is that you are sick. And eating barbecue chips for breakfast.

Dex won't be getting a walk today.

I wish they had barbecue chip delivery.

I'll have to see if there's any good movies to watch and I'll spend the day in bed drinking tea and snoozing.

2011-11-21T10:15:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was ridiculous. Gary and I watched a movie in the afternoon and I fell asleep. I was ready to go to bed at 7:30. We watched tv and I fell asleep at some point only to wake up just before 1 am and couldn't sleep again until 5. Guess I've messed up my clock.

Between the movie and tv, I fixed up that painting that my teacher had messed up on me. I reached for my camera to show you but my camera wasn't there. It seems I left it in the restaurant where we had my mom's birthday dinner. Damn. I phoned the restaurant but it wasn't there. I'll check with my mother and see if someone else picked it up or just accept the fact that one of the servers kept herself a nice tip. sigh.

Losing the camera is sad but not nearly the heart break it might have been had I not already scared myself silly. In the morning I was tidying up my clothes and jewelry peeled off the night before mindlessly and couldn't find my good bracelet. This bracelet was Gary's 25th anniversary gift to me. Beautiful - sapphires and diamonds. I often joke that I should sell it and buy a car. My heart stopped. I was frantic. On the other hand, I couldn't imagine that I wouldn't have noticed it was missing when I changed for bed so I figured it had to be somewhere. I just couldn't remember. Turns out it was on my night table. I vaguely recall waking in the night annoyed by the bracelet and a ring I had left on and took them off then - not with all the other stuff.

So I phoned my mom and she did not know anything about a camera but she had a lovely birthday and she was still glowing over it. And she chatted that it might be time to look for a "retirement" home where she doesn't have to worry about the cleaning and such. She has a cleaning lady come in every couple of weeks but she doesn't do the deep cleaning and mom can't do it any more. I'm thinking we could arrange for a different company to come in a few times a year and give it a good go over if that's all she's worried about. They can do mine while they're at it. ....so I phoned a company and got the poop and then called my mom back and it sounds like that's what she'd rather do. She likes where she is after all. If all problems could be solved so easily huh?

And my baby called and I whined that I'd lost my camera and it turns out she has it and says she told me so. My brain doesn't work any more. I'm getting a little concerned. I was bad enough when I was in pain but since the surgery, I forget a lot more stuff. Is it the anesthesia still mucking with my head? Or is it old age and I'm becoming demented? That's really not fair if it is because my mom still has most of her screws in tight.

So I have to proof a paper for my baby which sounds like a ridiculous request given the state of my mind lately but maybe I can still grasp most spelling and grammar. Wish me luck.

2011-11-20T11:18:00.001-05:00

It's a funny thing, you know, when you talk to people, family, who you only see at special occasions and they drop some phrase that sticks in your head because you wonder why they've said it and then, hours, maybe days later - you get it. They've all been talking about you behind your back - and not in a nice way. And then, because you had surgery which proves that you must have needed it because surgery isn't something that happens unnecessarily when the government is footing the bill (and they know all kinds of people with sore necks and backs that the doctors aren't operating on) - and because you obviously still have a stiff, sore neck but you are adamant that your neck feels soooo much better than it did, your behaviour at some previous time when you maybe drank a little more than you should have or smoked some weed to be able to muddle through an occasion you might not have been up to otherwise is now forgiven after all. When you weren't aware that everyone hated you for it in the first place. When you had explained that you were in pain and having a really hard time with it and got the nods of sympathy that were lies because they didn't believe you had that much pain to necessitate the alleviation of it in ways that are not doctor prescribed because even the doctor doesn't believe you enough to prescribe the right medication.

Judgmental pricks. All of them. It's just as well I had no clue what their real thoughts were at the time.

2011-11-19T20:43:00.001-05:00

I slept very late today - shocking in fact. at least 10:30

I used to sleep until 1 pm without a problem.

We celebrated my mother's 90th today.

It was my husband's favourite restaurant - very good. very very reasonable. No one could complain. $30 would get you the salad bar, soup, bread, your meal - salmon thru chicken to prime rib - plus a drink and coffee or tea.

I was trying to get my brother and his wife to spend the night but he wasn't biting. He was paying for a hotel in Toronto for the week and even though the accommodations weren't great - he was determined to get his money's worth. His wife would have liked to spend the evening sharing my bottle of wine. Ah well.

So we got into quite an argument over - of all things - marijuana. I don't love weed although it has saved me a few times. When the pain is so bad that you need to be somewhere else where the pain isn't quite real, it's the ticket. I feel bad that I don't use it more when I am so well supplied. But it's not my drug of choice - which is alcohol. Tequila is the king. Beer or wine or rum or really anything else in a pinch will do. I don't really drink as much as you'd think. I am aware that alcoholism lurks. And it brings a great many less desirable habits with it. I am careful.

I am quite sure that marijuana or alcohol are NOT the ticket for some. We are all different. And some of those tickets come at a high price. Sometimes facing your fears is the best answer. Sometimes a dreary life is the answer. Sometimes you should just mind your own business because you have no idea.

Life comes with risks and benefits and it's all just deciding which is worth more.

I don't wish to judge anyone. Maybe having your brother and all his friends jump you would be no big deal when you are 9, 10, 11 and 12 and 13 and 14. But it was a problem for me. And having a grandfather exploring your privates might not bother some but it did bother others I know. And if having a toke or a hit or whatever, helps you through it because really, it's hard to face/fathom/explain why this would happen to you and not someone else because you don't really well maybe surely not deserve it then I don't know. Maybe there's some physical pain that's hard to get over.

We all just want to feel good.

If you don't have something nice to say then leave me the fuck alone.

I'm not saying that alcohol or marijuana or any other drug is the answer to the problem. Jesus is not the answer either I'm sorry to say. Tried that too. And I'm not saying that other drugs are a good idea either. Or that abuse or pain is a good excuse. I'm just saying that we all want to feel good.

We all just want to feel good.

Keep it in mind when you think it's time to berate that ne'er do well in the family who is always high. Maybe just once, they'd like to feel like you do on a normal day.

2011-11-18T09:25:00.001-05:00

I went to bed feeling fine last night and woke up sick sick sick.

Ugh.

I had sick dreams. So frustrating. I was at my gym/sports complex/spa/resort in the tropics where the glass sales display case had been made into an aquarium and I had to pee but all the ladies rooms were closed for maintenance and I was so mad I wanted to cry because I'd walked and walked to get to them. But I found my cat while looking for my husband.

I am watching Lily today - PD day. When I was in school, teachers didn't need any further development. They were finished. And I don't think they even had university educations then. Some maybe. They also didn't get paid the big bucks they do now (here it is a well paid position). They also were allowed to give us a whack when we got out of line so mostly, we were manageable. Of course there was always that one kid in class that always got in trouble and would be sent to the principal for the strap. Ah, the good old days.

So I worked on my painting last night and reverted to realism. Reality is a hard thing to break with. I don't know whether to start over or try to fix it. so sad.

I would like some drugs very much I think. That and my balloon head will probably make a break with reality much easier.

No news - is good news?

2011-11-17T14:55:00.001-05:00

Really, life has just been going from day to day. I've had a number of migraines. Don't know what that's all about but perhaps it's the weather.

Had painting class today and took my canoe in. A classmate made a small suggestion that was helpful and easy to fix and the teacher made another which I don't think I quite understood as I'm not seeing it but I will look again. She was right but I'm not sure I heard the fix right if you know what I mean. My water was a hit. Which is nice to hear. So I'm pleased that I have the approval of my peers and the teacher - especially the teacher. I am branching off in a new direction - at least for a bit - to try my hand at less realism. It's hard for me. It's like lying. Except that in art, it's ok so I am desperate to learn this. I just wonder if I can do it convincingly. With this, I won't show any stages as they aren't going to make a lot of sense and I'm not sure there is any sense to it - I'm in new territory and I'm making it up as I go. If I get a finished product I like, I'll show you then. My baby wants me to do a large abstract for her so I need to find my way there.

Wish me luck.

The latest

2011-11-13T21:56:00.001-05:00

Algonquin

I started this on Thursday in class and finished it today. I rather like this one.

Gary suggested I give it to our artist friend in Belize but I'm kind of hoping that one of the kids will want it. Or maybe I'll keep it. We'll see. It's not perfect but I think it's ok anyway. It makes me happy.

I love red. I love canoes. I love water. And trees. And even rocks.

Cold

2011-11-11T19:42:00.001-05:00

It was cold today. Cold enough to snow. And it did.

It snowed as I drove to the bank.

It snowed as I drove to the flats.

And then the sun broke through the dark blue grey clouds and the colours that appeared in the world would break your heart. Deep bottomless greens. Glowing yellows. Ultramarine sky. Warm earthy browns.

It had not been cold enough for the snow to stay on the ground. But it was cold enough to wear a hat and a scarf and gloves which I had thought were lost but were there in the centre doohickey box between the seats of my car.

And as I walked, the sun warmed me up so that I was peeling off the extra bits as I went.

A man chose to walk along beside me with his pug who was allergic to everything and talk about the ducks which were floating low in the water and were seemingly special ducks with a fancy name to which I replied that I can tell a bird from a plane. He laughed and said his wife was the same. When he'd first begun talking, he expressed a wish that he'd brought his camera and I had agreed because of the beautiful light but he was only on about the ducks.

Men seem to choose to walk beside me and chat at the flats these days. Or, if they come in the opposite direction, they smile and say hello unless they are old grumpy fellows who gripe that the dog is not on a leash just as every other dog out there is not on a leash except for the allergic pug who would run off just like Winston would if Graeme were not there. May I mention that there are signs which also say there is no swimming but people swim anyway. I'm sure the no swimming is more about no one checking for e coli levels more than fear of piranhas or killer beavers or even drowning because the governing body does not wish to do the testing. There are signs about fires which are ignored. And camping. And being there after dark. The only sign which is not ignored in my experience is the one saying no motor bikes or atvs. But people were not swimming today, however, the cold did not stop Dex from jumping in.

I wonder if I should be alarmed that strange men are walking with me although I could not fear someone who owns an allergic pug. One day, I walked along a strange path through the forest with a strange man
who had a scaryish dog though it wasn't scary to me - just big and a little aggressive to Dex who kept him in his proper place but came home with a tiny scar for his trouble. Gary would kill me but it was a day when Dex required an extra bit of a run and I was curious what was down that path. Had I gone alone, I likely would have been lost and frightened as there were a number of diversions. I do not see myself as the kind of woman that strange men would attack. Maybe I am foolish. But I felt no dark clouds of danger which always preceded being jumped when I was young and attractive. My animal magnetism has left the building. Thank God. I enjoy being a person rather than a victim.

6 degrees

2011-11-10T21:32:00.001-05:00

I think it might have been 6 six degrees out today but that's not what I wanted to talk about.

My son paved a driveway today for a guy he went to school with. While at school, they had an interesting connection. They shared a step-great-grandmother. Lucinda had been a second wife to Ryan's great-grandfather and a third wife to Graeme's - my Grandfather.

My daughter was friends in high school with my sister's ex's sister's daughter. Cousins of cousins. They did not know about the connection until Kaitlyn showed up to a party at our house. Her mother, my ex-brother-in-law's sister, was briefly, my boss. It was a surprise when we discovered that we'd be working together. The ex's family did not come from our area originally although a lot of them ended up nearby - after the divorce.

I bowled with James Cameron's identical twin cousins.

Julie Andrews is a friend's God-mother.

In college, I lived with a woman who had dated Burton Cummings. I thought it was awesome that I got to play a piano he'd played. It didn't improve my playing at all. I still suck. (Although if you know nothing about playing the piano, I sound pretty good)

My Dad was friends with Paul Bernardo's grandfather. I have some shells he'd given my parents as a souvenir after a trip to Florida back in the early 60's. People are always taken aback when I point them out. It's like the shells are tainted or something although PB did not even exist when they were given.

I know I've mentioned some of this before - sorry to bring it up again. I don't know why I'm so fascinated with random connections like this. But I am. Any interesting connections at your end?

Myrtle Beach

2011-11-09T09:23:00.004-05:00

We went to Myrtle Beach this weekend with friends we met on a trip to Cuba. As I mentioned, we had some fun at the border but all is well. We sailed through coming back this way. Myrtle Beach was a tad cool when we arrived but had warmed up considerably by the time we left. Of course.
We stayed in that yellow hotel to the left of the Ferris wheel, top floor at this end. We had a great time. Ate too much.

We visited the aquarium and saw lots of interesting fishies and creatures. Generally, we acted a lot like tourists. Gary kept complaining about the money we were spending because our friends know how to have a good time. I rolled my eyes a lot. He wasn't feeling the best to be sure (and he was kind enough to pass his flu to me). I don't care. I had a great time. Gary and I tied to win for mini golf although I gave him the win because he'd managed to get a hole in one. I am able to tolerate Sam Adams and Bud light. Yay me.

We walked the boardwalk.

And we drove down to the Marsh Walk to watch the sunset.

Anyhow, we are back safe and sound and I have restocked my tequila - the cheap stuff only as we will be going to Cancun on our way to and from Belize in December to pick up the good stuff then. Not that I really need anything else. My liquor cabinet runneth over.

Dex was pretty good while staying with Graeme and April. Except for Monday when April went to work. He showed his displeasure by strewing a box of toothpicks all over the living room. ALL OVER. And April had set some laundry baskets across the hall at the top of the stairs to the bedrooms so their cat, who despises Dexter, could have some peace. Dex dumped the laundry everywhere too, chasing her I'm sure.

So yesterday, I took him to the flats for a good run before seeing the physio doc again who has given me a pass to stop. If I have problems, I can call up and book some more time if I like.

I did not go to my portrait class yesterday. I opted to stay home in the morning and get some necessary work done. I should be doing more, rather than doing this, as I promised my Mom I would take her to the dentist today. I have a bunch of billing to do.

Strange beds

2011-11-05T06:08:00.000-04:00

I dreamt I was lying in bed awake.

So we crossed the border and for the first time ever, got pulled over for a search.

It was no big deal but I think we were the token white people. I was the only one questioned in our group beyond being asked how we know each other. ??? The rest of the people inside were noticably Sikh, Muslim or of definite middle eastern extraction, or black. I could understand some people feeling picked on.

Rush

2011-11-03T13:48:00.002-04:00

Went to painting class today. Here's what I did.

The lady with the amazing paintings at the table next to me and I kept eyeing each other up out of some sense of familiarity. Turns out we went to grade 7 & 8 at the same school although we were not in the same classes nor did we hang out or anything. Just saw each other and never even knew each other's names.

I want to steal her stuff anyway. I'll find a way.

Running on empty

2011-11-02T19:53:00.000-04:00

Another busy day.

My mother has been after me to take her shopping so today was the day. She wanted a new new microwave because her new one is too big. She had given her old one to Cara and wanted to trade back but just about that time it died so she will give Cara her new one anyway.

Have you any idea how hard it is to find a decent small microwave? Anyway. We finally did it but it was too late in the day for me to take her old new one out to the car as I had to get back to sit with Lily.

Before the microwave hunt we shopped for clothes. My mother wanted a new blouse to wear to her 90th birthday party. She had me take her to her new favourite store where a single item costs more than I like to spend on an entire outfit. My mother insisted that I find something myself and she would buy it. I wasn't really in the mood. I used to love clothes when I looked good but now - ehn - I simply don't do them justice so I hate to bother. However, the sales lady and I were certain we knew each other but couldn't place it (I figured out that she must have been a client at the one tanning salon but I didn't want to get into that and suggested we must have met at a party. "I'm picturing you with a glass of wine. Was I drunk?" ) She kept bringing clothes for me to try on and my mother liked one of the outfits and bought it for me. Over $400 for this very nice but quite casual set. My mother doesn't blink an eye because she really has no clue what "poor" means although she complains about being on a fixed income. I bought her lunch at a nice new restaurant in an old schoolhouse that features local (provincial) cuisine. It's another place I can take my baby - they have a few nice but different vegetarian dishes. And we went to Costco and I bought her a toaster and a few books. Because they won't allow guests to pay with their debit cards. Picture me rolling my eyes. I'm sure she's going to find a way to get the money to me even if I don't really care. Which is nice of her. It's enough that she wants to be nice.

So I was a bit late for Lily who was waiting with a friend for permission to go to her friend's house. Yes, of course. And I had a nap on the couch with Winston.

My son is home by 6. Done for the day. He's always home by 6:30. Now, his Dad has been in the same business for 30 years. He has never made it home on a working day by 6:30. It's 8:00 now and he still isn't home. I have joked for at least the past 20 years that when Gary disappears, he's with his other family. Frankly, it wouldn't shock me to find out I'm right.

Canadians are maybe too friendly

2011-11-01T22:39:00.000-04:00

So during my frustrating and unproductive drawing class, my conte pencil needed sharpening and my sharpener was too small. The young lady beside me hands me her sharpener.

"Thanks" I say "I love you!"

"I think our relationship is moving a little too quickly" she says

.....

And April had a second interview for a promotion. It went very well. The woman interviewing her was about to hug her good-bye when it concluded. Awkward.

......

So I'm running all over the place today it seems. I pick up Lily and take her to her class and decide that, rather than drive home, I'll check out the shops and such. They have made a lot of changes to the Uptown since I was last there. It's been about a year. So I left my car parked in this parking lot a street back from the main street and walk through - they've got this whole area done up very pedestrian friendly now. And I just start strolling down the street.
There are plenty of independent shops but there's nothing that particularly interests me on the one side except a restaurant that I think I'll get Cara to go to lunch with me at some day, so I cross over and stroll back but there's only a liquor store and a bank and then a super chic men's store that would probably run my ass right back out if I crossed the threshold. They are advertising shirts on sale ONLY $159.00! Gary thinks $15.90 is too much. I pass a tea shop thinking I'll wander back to it later.
I cross a side street and wander into a cool little store that has some artsy furniture and home accessories. Not everything costs a million bucks. And the stuff is all really neat. And there's art that's not overly high priced and I'm thinking that I'm gonna start buying art because I like it. And I talk to the sales girl who has the slightest of Spanish accents so I ask where she's from - Colombia - and she is thrilled that I think she has very little accent. We chat for ages until I see another customer and I wander off so she can maybe sell something.
And I wander some more and go into the mall which doesn't have many stores on the inside any more - they are mostly all on the outside if you understand what I'm saying.
I pass by the chocolate shop pretty fast. And the barber shop. An empty shop and then there is a gallery so I go in. A number of different artists and media are represented. Most of it I like. The abstract stuff - well - for the money, I'd rather go home and throw paint at a canvas myself. But there are some very beautiful works as well. And I chat with the lady overseeing it as she is completing a drawing. And I mention that the prices are very reasonable - they must sell well to be able to make the rent. No - she says, we couldn't pay the rent with what we sell - they are sponsored by some corporation (maybe the mall itself?) How discouraging! Yes, the pieces were all over $200 but when you factor in the cost of custom mattes and framing - that's not crazy. And she agrees.
I wandered through the rest of the mall which seems so much smaller than it used to years ago when they had a K-Mart and a bowling alley downstairs. Now there is no downstairs. And there is a road where K-Mart used to be.
My first experience with this mall was when I was 19. My Dad lived a couple of kilometers down the street so I guess I must have been staying there for the weekend. To make money over the winter, Gary would buy Hong Kong paintings, wholesale frames, put them together and set up shows in the malls. This was his first mall that year. I thought the paintings were amazing - as did all the people who bought them. They were cheap enough anyway ($89 for a 24 x 48) and I was so impressed that Saturday that he'd had sales of over $1000. I'd never seen a wad of cash that large before.
I leave the mall through the front doors where a "square" has been created where there used to be a parking lot. People hang out there. There is entertainment sometimes. I cross the main street and check the windows of some clothing stores there. They don't sell things I would buy. Too young. There's not much else beyond a parking garage so I cross again and go to the tea shop.
I get a cup of some kind of green tea which I didn't love but sit and stare out the window as I drink it. When it's time, I buy another cup of tea - a different tea which I do like very much - there are so many more to try and I walk back to the old Button Factory to get Lily and take her home. I trade cars with Graeme who has driven mine back from the shop. I will make the tour again next week. Maybe I'll buy more than a cup of tea.

2011-11-01T15:03:00.003-04:00

I did not do the scary gloves. I went out to pick up my daughter so she could give Lily a pro Bunnicula face paint job for going out. My car refused to start at Cara's so April had to swing around and pick her up on the way home from work while I waited for the mechanic. So I had no time to shop for the gloves or even do a quick makeup job on my hands. It would have been best to have my face done too and have a witches hat or something. Maybe next year.

I did, however, give out the candy through the side light window which was plenty creepy enough for some of them. Dex body checking the door was pretty creepy too. And when he figured out about the window he was all up in it seeing who was out there. He didn't bark as much then. It turned out to be a great idea. We didn't get so very many kids over all. Maybe 50. I gave out double the candy to get rid of it. And after a couple hours, I turned the lights out so I wouldn't have to keep going to the door for the big kids. House was coming on.

So my car's been at the shop all day and I have been driving my son's car. Kid's car is a mess. I got a garbage bag full of fast food wrappers and Timmy's cups from the passenger seat floor alone. I hope I didn't mess up some contest that he and his dad had going on about who could build up the most garbage on the floor of their car. They gotta have something going on like that. Damn.

So drawing class was a bust. I'm not getting anywhere and it's kinda pissing me off.

There was some bad accident this morning in the fog so the cops closed off the road that goes to the town where the flats are near so I couldn't get the dog out. It just occurred to me that there must be a back road and I even crossed it coming from physio. Damn. Just checked the map and yup, I'm an idiot.

Gotta run again in a few minutes to grab Lily and run off to her Fashion Design course. Maybe I'll do some Christmas shopping in Uptown Waterloo (God they are so pretentious in Waterloo) while I'm there. There's a whole bunch of overpriced stores I've never been in.

Oh, when I took my car to our shop for the mechanic to have a look, I noticed that my husband had painted a long yellow line on the gravel parking lot between our bay and the one next door. A mechanic has moved in there recently and thinks he should be allowed to spread his cars all over the entire parking lot so that we can't even access our bay - yet complains if we have one vehicle left out there. I don't know if the guy is running a car lot or what - but I totally cracked up when I saw the line painted on the ground. You kinda had to be there and know what's been going on but it was pretty funny.

Happy Halloween

2011-10-31T12:16:00.002-04:00

I'm having yet another unproductive day.

What's wrong with me?

I also feel incredibly fat. ugh

I went looking for my next paint project but I can't find anything yet that makes me feel something. Of course, I'm looking at photographs and I'm no photographer. Perhaps it's time to jump off a bridge and become God and change what I see to what I want to see. Can I? Am I there yet?

And I'm not feeling the whole halloween thing this year. I don't look forward to Dex going snakey every time there's a knock on the door.

I just had a brilliant idea. Go buy one of those fake hand glove things that make your hand into like a old crone's claw, take the screen out of the side light at the front door, and hand the candy out that way all
creepy like. What do you think?

WTF?

2011-10-30T10:26:00.000-04:00

Woke up with puffy eyes this morning. I NEVER have puffy eyes. WTF?

So I'm also a little headachey feeling and wondering if I have a sympathy hangover for all the kids who dressed up and partied last night. I spent yesterday running my baby around looking for the completing accessories to her halloween costume. She was going as a sort of 60's style futuristic alien space girl kind of thing. I had a little bit of envy going on. I envy her tiny little body - and the freedom she has in going out to have fun. At her age, I had a litter of children and no extra money to even have lunch at McDonald's. The babies had to be on apnea monitors because Matt had stopped breathing at 2 months. Within a year, my husband would require angioplasty on his heart because 2 main arteries were clogged up. I still had my figure then but couldn't afford many clothes and we just plain didn't go out with no money to spend on sitters and such and no family around to dump the kids on. Now I have the freedom and the money and even if I still had the body, I have lost my youth and there's no getting that back. I've no desire to be a cougar or be mistaken for one. I want to BE young again - not pretend to be. I had no misgivings at the time - I struggled but it was what I wanted. It was a different time and place. It's not that I want to go back and change the things I did. I want a chance to go back and add to it by also having the life I didn't have then, now. Have my cake and eat it too.

To be honest, since the neck surgery, drinking has even lost its appeal. What's up with that? I used to feel such a huge sense of relief when I'd have a drink before - or two or three. Now, it often doesn't even taste good and just muddies my head and turns my stomach. WTF?

If this is what getting old is all about then it just sucks. I don't want to be a teetotalling old biddy. In spite of what they say to the kids that you can have fun without intoxicants, they are full of shit. It's not the same at all. You don't get that rosy glow that tells you the world is a fine, fun and wonderful amusement park and people are all beautiful and lovable unless your brain is swimming in more than cerebral fluid. If you could, there would be no point in using drugs and alcohol to get it. There would not be billions upon billions of dollars spent on the black market. But what do you do when these things don't work for you any more? This might explain why old people are so fucking cranky. Besides not having sex any more either.

Explain to me why people even want to live longer.

Better

2011-10-28T09:59:00.000-04:00

Thanks everyone. You are the best.

I am better today. It was a quick dip into the pit. The lack of sun brings me down every time. But then I watched a program I shouldn't have and had flashbacks and a good wallow in self-loathing. I was very quick to tell myself to get my ass out of the past - life is not so bad now and wasn't all so very bad then either - although that doesn't usually have a lot of immediate effect. I was still being ridiculous at bedtime but managed to have a good sleep and so I'm just my regular low self today. But the sun has come out and my brain is not playing loops guaranteed to bring me down again so I think we are good.

I will go to yoga today. That should make me feel better too. I haven't been since that non-yoga class messed me up. My neck is feeling much looser overall with the physio.

And we have reached another weekend. Already. I must have been quite the zombie all week because nothing is done around here. There is an invoice I printed out last Friday that was never mailed. Just to give you an idea of what I mean by nothing getting done. There is also a bank deposit that's been sitting for about the same length of time. Honestly. Maybe I should be glad I watched the program to get whatever that was out of my system and snap back to reality. Weird. There's a week I'm not getting back.

I probably gained 5 lbs. Crap. I'm not stepping on the scale.

Well, I'm off to get some shit done. Have a great weekend.

Grey days

2011-10-27T12:28:00.000-04:00

I am sliding into the pit and don't want to drag you with me.

Say nice things. ok?

Guess what? More rain!

2011-10-26T09:43:00.003-04:00

I have been living in my quilted vest thing - you know those ski jackets without sleeves. Miserable weather. The guys are doing what they can to keep moving ahead. Let's hope we get some fine weather on the weekdays soon.

I took Dex to the flats in the rain yesterday - I wore a yellow raincoat that belongs to my son who has moved out, so he says, but has yet to take much beyond a few clothes and his cat. I was pretty thankful for the raincoat so I'm somewhat glad he didn't rush and take everything. Dex didn't care about the rain. He went swimming anyway - insisting I throw some stones - away but not too far out from shore so he could splash his way to where they fell and swim back. Timing was crucial. I'd get barked at for holding things up if I took too long grabbing another stone. I tired before he did and announced that we were walking again. I got a wet paw on the leg for disrupting the momentum.

Portrait class did not produce much. The teacher went over some proportion guidelines which simply don't do me much good as everyone's face is as different as much as they are the same - and it's the smidgeons that I'm out by which are the same smidgeons the guidelines don't bother with. I simply have to practise judging the relative distances and angles between features. I'm working on a portrait of Prince Philip - a younger Prince Philip - he is quite handsome - I didn't even realize who it was when I pulled him from the stack of old black and white portraits done by some famous photographer back in the 50's or 60's. We are working in conté crayon which I'm unaccustomed to using and so I am doubly frustrated because there is no tip like on a pencil and so the lines don't necessarily end up in the exact spot I want them to. Obviously, I need to learn how to use them. While I love to learn new things, I despise being a novice. I want to be good at everything now or why bother? If the learning curve takes too long - and my fuse is short - I will just not continue. So wise up you conté crayons - or you will be back in the unused art supplies box! Here he is if you want a peek.

A two post day - the last post was better so read it instead

2011-10-24T13:40:00.000-04:00

My sister and I went on a Studio Tour yesterday, it being such a pleasant day. We did not do the entire route, nor did we go in order.

We saw a potter with a nice store set up in a room at the front of her farmhouse in the country. Too expensive to just buy, like that, when you don't have a need, but Christmas is coming...maybe...for someone...

The next place, in the country, was not a farm but some rich person's house - an architect's - and it was very architectural. Downstairs, 3 friends meet on Tuesdays to do their thing. The first room, one of them has set up her prints. She uses a press of sorts. I know nothing of print making. I did some screen printing in school but this was not that although it could have been. The prints did not interest me. They might have been good but what do I know. The prices were ridiculous. The next room contained the "fibre artist's" wares. Very small works, machine quilted - and as my sister is a quilter and active in her guild, which just had a show, even I can tell that this is not fantastic work. It is homemade stuff. Some not quilting fibre stuff for sale, she had done on a course she took in the summer. Really? You are selling stuff that you did while learning? Again, huge prices. Sentiment does not have retail value.
The third lady was the painter. "Your stuff is better than this!" my sister breathed. And, I think, some of it is. I may not be as prolific and I have a different style, but her paintings are very stiff and simplistic. And expensive.

We left, wondering why rich people have the audacity to pretend they are professional and try to sell their hobby at huge prices.

Next we decided to cut to the chase and check out my teacher's studio and others in her building. Her paintings are moody and evocative. Mostly scenes from northern Ontario. Some not as exciting as others but clearly done at a professional level. She has been shown at the art gallery. She has an agent. There are a couple I would buy but we are chatting too much for me to even venture that way. She tells me I can come to her Thursday morning class as well if I like - there aren't as many students at that one. I will ask about one of the small 8 x 10's. Maybe I could buy one. After class one day, she had shown me one of her paintings that she brought as an example of a particular technique. She let it slip that it took her 45 minutes to complete it. I could tell she wasn't sure she should have let that out. People buying paintings would prefer to think you slaved for days and weeks, not minutes, creating a work. But I have spoken to artists before who can produce works much faster than you would believe. But not because the work is easy - but because they are experienced. They are simply that good. And so I relieved her anxiety by saying "But you know what you are doing - you know the technique - that painting took 40 years and 45 minutes." And she murmured, "Finally, someone understands."

(This is why I can not take too many serious compliments about my painting and such - I am stumbling about looking for the way to do things and have it look the way I want - if I accidentally get it to work, it is a joy - but I don't pretend I know what I'm doing.)

Next, we saw my teacher's friend's photography and the painting she has started. Now her painting is heavily influenced by Sheila's. It shows - but she already has a very artistic eye and so she has experience composing a piece. She has also mixed the two media to stunning effect.

And then, another potter. Nicer things than the other. And cheaper. And there is a bowl I want. I will likely have to settle for a small relative.

Another oatmeal day

2011-10-24T11:45:00.000-04:00

Say good-bye.

Yesterday was such a pretty day but we received yet another deluge overnight.

Yesterday, Gary and I took Dex for a walk at the flats. Dusting of frost in the shady bits, sparkling as it melts as the sun climbs higher. We got back to the truck to discover that Gary had taken the wrong key off the ring and we were locked out. He phones Graeme to come to our rescue with the spare. We wander a bit while waiting and Dex is in heaven exploring new areas intensely and Graeme comes and we do the route again, Dex beside himself at his great luck in getting to spend 3 hours running free where he usually only gets one.

My Matthew was home on Saturday to announce that he was moving out - and in with his girlfriend Thida. Big surprise. He has been living there for 2 months anyway. So he took Bandit with him. And all her stuff. Came back yesterday for some of his own stuff. This moving out will take a while. So now that I've rearranged the kitchen as my office, it looks like I will get the office back downstairs that I had just started setting up when he came home and I had to give it over. Maybe our garage will return to only half full. Maybe we will be able to hook up the tanning bed we kept. Maybe various rooms can shed their excess furniture and the house will feel less stuffed. Maybe we'll be able to breath again. Empty nesting maybe won't be so bad.

I went treasure hunting in my canned food cupboard for a rogue packet of instant oatmeal that may have remained from days when I had Lily overnight regularly. There are a lot of cans in there. I don't use a lot of canned food but I seem to buy a lot. And I did find 2 packages of oatmeal. One of them hit the spot.

Dex misses Bandit. I may have to buy him a kitty.

mmmm - Dinner!

2011-10-22T20:56:00.000-04:00

Gary did some paving at a seafood store - because the work had to be done on a day that they did not have deliveries, and generally we can't get asphalt on weekends, Friday was the only day - but for the last 3 weeks, Fridays have been rained out. By good fortune, the asphalt plant opened today - it rarely opens on Saturday but I guess the weather was holding a lot of important jobs up - so the guys worked today and got it done. Gary came home with 2 of these big boys - my pot would only fit one at a time. Gary likes lobster, but not if he has to see it looking around first and has to tear it apart at the table. He managed to eat a claw and couldn't go any further so I called Graeme to bring April over to finish it.

2011-10-21T10:38:00.000-04:00

Still wet and cold
Still queasy

My house needs cleaning
Laundry needs done

The cat's been sleeping in the laundry basket of clean clothes sitting by my dresser near the space heater in the bedroom - on low because our room is always the hottest or coldest room in the house depending on which is the most uncomfortable for that time of year.

I stare at this painting of mine and I just don't quite know. I want to sit and whine at someone. I am frustrated. The same way I was frustrated back when I was about 7 and I was trying to draw a glass of water in perspective. I had the little oval on the top and the lines down the sides and a straight line across the bottom instead of a curved one. I knew it was wrong but I didn't know why and so I couldn't fix it. I whined then and it was the only time my Dad hauled off and waled my butt. I think he'd had a bad day and I'd interrupted his attempt to mellow out by pouring himself a scotch and downing it. Bad timing. He did slap me across the face a couple times later on when I was a teenager - for telling my brother to fuck off (I thought my folks had already gone out for the evening - oops) and another time I threw my plate of gravy at my brother's head for annoying the hell out of me. I'd only meant for the gravy to hit him but the plate was greasy and slipped out of my hand. Truly, I don't regret either time. And I don't blame my Dad for waling on my ass that time when I was a kid either. I WAS annoying. He put up with a lot otherwise I think. I'm sure I must have been plenty annoying other times. I yapped all day long. And I was loud doing it. I had to learn to moderate. And yet, he never disciplined me any other time. He said he did once - made me sweep up after he did some renovation in the house - "Crime and punishment" he said smirking because I'd got busted for the drinking we'd done the night before. "You'd have asked me to sweep it up anyway Dad." I said laughing. "Sure, he says, but don't tell your mother."

Anyway, I'm feeling whiny like the 7 year old. Not the other times.

Thoughts for a Thursday afternoon

2011-10-20T16:21:00.003-04:00

Another cold, wet, dreary day. Still feeling off. A bit. Sipping ginger tea with honey.

Gary says my painting is good but I don't love it. That's why I'm taking the classes right? If I could do it "right" without help, then people would already be paying me for them and I'd be famous. Why do I feel like I have to be a master right off the bat? But then, I wouldn't enjoy painting if I weren't any good at all.
I struggle with the whys of painting or drawing at all when we have photography to capture a "perfect" image. But then photos don't always quite capture the spirit - the feeling - of the subject. And, art, today, is supposed to do that. Art isn't required to be precise but rather conceptual - capturing the idea more than the image and communicating what is in the heart. I'm not sure I am able to do that. My mother's paintings are technically, pretty good but they are also lacking something. They seem empty. I don't want mine to be empty. While various "savages" feared that photos captured their souls, I fear that my drawings/paintings won't. But how does a spirit indwell a painting? How does it not? It's just pigment stuck on a surface. Why does one strike the heart and another leaves you cold even when the cold one might be more correct? Perhaps it's the wrongness that contains the right. As Cohen said,

"There is a crack, a crack, in everything. That's how the light gets in."

Maybe I just need more cracks.

2011-10-19T21:00:00.000-04:00

I'm still a little under the weather but not miserable. I slept for a while this afternoon. Gary bought takeout so I wouldn't have to cook. I wouldn't have anyway. There are leftovers. There are more now.

I had a glass of wine and sort of wish I hadn't. I wanted something sweet and that's what I found. Now I am sleepy again but Gary wants to watch a movie.

I posted the painting but I have worked on it since so it doesn't look like that any more. It never looked like that anyway. What is up with the yellow glowing like semen under a black light?

2011-10-18T19:09:00.000-04:00

Latest drawing

I was pretty sick yesterday. My tummy wasn't happy. It's better today but my innards are making some pretty outrageous noises. And I'm chilled.

I'm working on my painting but it doesn't look like much yet. Entirely unimpressive. Hopefully, something will happen as I work on it and beauty will emerge.

Paint tips

2011-10-16T22:54:00.000-04:00

1. Don't be a doofus - buy the right kind of paint the first time
2. Don't be a doofus - take ALL the paint you have to class - not just the wrong stuff
3. Do buy the awesome palette that keeps the paints fresh when you need to put them away
4. Do turn your old notebook computer case which is too small for the new one and turn it into a bag to hold your paints and brushes and palette! Turn that even older tiny original notebook case from pre-1999 (that computer was almost tiny enough to be a netbook of today but weighed a LOT more!) into a case for pencils and other drawing paraphernalia.
5. Stop kidding yourself that you have an eat-in kitchen when the space has actually been used as an office for months and rearrange that disaster area so you can access your artsy bits and pieces and have the officey stuff neat and organized too. Bonus that you now have much more room for everything including cooking! (but you'd better find a place to put all those kitchen chairs pronto!)

This is the landscape I have chosen to do - I love the light on the various layers in the background and how they make the stark trees pop - and as always, I love the water with it's calm reflections.

I have a bit of a fire in my belly to get at the painting.

Ever notice how people who have been married a long time start to look like each other?

2011-10-14T23:10:00.001-04:00

Ok, so we did go to Oktoberfest. But not for long. It is only 11:00 now and I am in my jammies with a cup of tea. I had one drink at 7 and just had water and pop after that - and ate schnitzel and sauerkraut - and then both Gary and I drove home - well Gary drove another couple's car to their place and I picked him up there and drove us home.

Dreary daze

2011-10-14T15:00:00.001-04:00

It is Oktoberfest time again and we were given many tickets - again (and a reserved table) - even though they've been sold out for months. Having no head for alcohol any more means I am not looking forward to a night spent socially drinking in a loud and very, very busy place (4,000 people). Funny that I always run into people I know there within the throng even though it is largely people from out of town who attend. Gary has never been much of a drinker so he doesn't care if we go or not. He'd probably prefer not to as he generally gets stuck buying ridiculous quantities of pitchers of beer. I can't risk a lack of restraint on my part as tomorrow I have my first painting class. I think we may leave the hangovers to the young people.

I had yet another disturbing dream last night - more aliens - maybe - I wasn't sure - "someone" in futuristic aircraft were bombing the city - and the explosions looks quite like nuclear explosions but not quite - hence my confusion. I was not at home - and I was alone except for the dog - it was raining and firetruck and ambulance sirens were going off and I was uncertain whether I should try and walk home which was a few miles away or stay where I was and whether it would be safer inside or out or if it would even matter. My daughter had called my cell to ask what was going on and I tried to describe what I was seeing but then the phone cut out. And I woke up.

It was raining.

Still is.

Changing things

2011-10-13T13:04:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure if I'm keeping this blog or not. But I've decided to put my "art" on a separate one just to see my progress.

It is here.

Gotta run for now.

1st class

2011-10-11T14:51:00.001-04:00

Our first portrait class, I was barely prepared, but then some others were missing things too. No one was bothered much by this. We passed notes on where to buy stuff. Seems the new place where I bought my sketch pads is the cheapest.

Parking is the biggest deal - $8. So I will try to park at the mall and walk over. Hopefully the by-law will give a little leeway with the 2 hr parking and allow me a few minutes more.

We had 10 minutes to do these sketches. Of each other. I am not the worst nor am I the best. I like being in the middle. I don't have to live up to anything or feel it's hopeless.

10 minutes doesn't seem like much - and it isn't. Obviously, just time to place features and give an impression - not enough time to fine-tune and make sure the proportions are all perfect.

It was fun and I look forward to next week.

2 days to prep and it's over in an hour

2011-10-10T17:57:00.001-04:00

I did some baking and preliminary cooking for Thanksgiving dinner, the day before - thinking that by lightening the load, I'd have an easier time getting it together. And I did have an easier time. However, today, I am wiped out anyway.

The numbers to expect kept changing. I thought 8 at first - which is perfect for our table. Then it was 9 which I squished in. But then there would be 10 so I ran out and bought a small folding table to add length to the table, which was fine but I wondered if one more might come and so I ran out and bought another. But then there were to be only 9. And then 11 and finally 10. Whew.

I meant to take pictures of people while they were here but I forgot when I got caught up in the cooking and only got my baby with Dex. I've got portrait class tomorrow. Damn.

Dinner went well though. No one died. I didn't drink too much. I did manage to smash a plate while pouring my uncle some wine - the bottle - it was a big one, full, slipped out of hand. Now I'll have to hunt for a replacement - my china was discontinued. Fun fun fun.

Today has been quiet. We took Dex to the flats, made soup from the turkey bones, I slept for probably 3 hours and here we are.

Life with Gary

2011-10-08T10:10:00.000-04:00

My husband was in charge of getting the turkey this year. He was supposed to get a "good" one from one of the country butchers who get free range birds in fresh. But he forgot.

So, Thursday, I was at Costco (surprise!) returning my son's birthday sweater for a smaller size (truthfully, I didn't see that the XL was all that big but he was insulted and wanted a L instead.) and while I was there, I figured I should go check and see if they had turkeys. And they did. They weren't cheap so let's hope they are extra good because I went ahead and bought one. You can't have the family over for turkey dinner and not serve turkey.

And much later Thursday night, Gary walks in with a frozen bird from one of the grocery stores across town. He'd actually had no intention of paying for a "good" bird. He wanted a cheap one. So his was less than half the price of mine for almost the same size.

So we have 2 turkeys now. His is in the freezer for Christmas.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I was dreaming the other night. I was in somebody's living room, in an old house, getting the couch ready for me to sleep on. Gary had just headed off to one of the bedrooms to sleep. Suddenly, I got creeped out and a ghost grabs the sleeve of my housecoat so my arm is stuck out to the side. I bang on the wall with the other hand and call

"Gary! Gary! Help me! Gary!"

It takes him some time and I'm pretty terrified, but he finally shows up and asks,

"Are you ok?"

"NO!"

To me it is obvious that my arm is stuck out in the air and I don't know what to do.

"What's the matter?"

I'm so frightened and at the same time annoyed with how stupidly blind my husband is at this point, that I finally wake up. Confused. Stunned.

"Dream"

And there is Gary, asking me what's wrong as I am lying on the couch. I had woken him up yelling for him and it had been the real him asking the sleeping me the questions. He made me come to bed with him.

Freaky. But funny as hell.

I should mention that I don't generally talk in my sleep.

Yesterday's walk

2011-10-06T09:03:00.001-04:00

The flats did more for my spirit than a funeral would. There were Monarch butterflies everywhere - but they didn't seem to want to sit for a portrait.

And for years I have wondered what that distinctive scent was that I have associated with walking in country fields. It's thyme! Until yesterday, I never realized how much thyme grows wild around here.

Lots of thyme

damn beavers

The beavers chopped down 2 trees which are now blocking the path. Dex was looking for them everywhere.

tranquility

big bird's nest

there are some really big birds. I should know what they are - but I don't

I need to find a suitable landscape to paint in the class coming up - do you like any of these?

At the flats, it is not ever quiet.

There is a symphony of crickets. One cricket would be annoying but the billions that sing here create a constant ringing. Providing a bass drone are the millions of bees. Everyone is trying out for the X-factor.

Good thing I'd decided to make my son cheesecake. He was expecting it. Seriously.

I'll have to remember that for next year.

I was going to take it over and leave it for them at their house when I went there after school for Lily but it was decided that an entire birthday dinner was required so all the kids came to my house instead. Eventually.

Life and Death

2011-10-05T10:34:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, my neck was killing me - the worst it's been since the surgery - even after physio which normally fixes up any spasms and loosens it ever so slightly. So I took a tylenol 3 last night. It's so strange to me that they actually do kill the pain now. Fantastic!

Anyway, I believe I will forego yoga today and just stretch gently on my own here at home.

There is a funeral I could and probably should attend but I will send a donation instead. It is my boy's birthday and I would rather surprise him with a cake or cheesecake which he prefers and think of better things than death and deal with people who let you down when you need them most. I am aware that I may be the one who is letting down this time but, frankly, I don't see the relationship continuing anyway. I have always been the one to prop it up when it sagged and I'm beginning to realize that I may be the only one who ever cared and I'm not sure I do any more. But old habits die hard and it's an effort to let go. There is that nagging sense that I should do the "right" thing - for someone else - rather than what's right for me. Doing this will likely be the very thing which will close that door forever. I think I'm ok with that because I'm not losing anything after all.

I would think that after 50+ years on the planet, I would have figured people out by now and be comfortable with the social process but, if anything, I am more confused than ever. There is a standard of conduct which is acceptable which no one abides by and most rarely get called on. In fact, these days, poor behaviour is rewarded - look at all the publicity trashy reality shows and celebrity misconduct gets. We are a sick species.

The Birthday Boy

2011-10-04T10:32:00.000-04:00

A couple more photos were posted - no more of me so far.

It's finally sunny out but still cold although they say it'll warm up.

I am lost and overwhelmed with work to do - and I just can't get it together.

I'm waiting for my brain to get out of bed. It's curled up with Dex staying warm and cozy and wishing I'd just get off its back and play a movie or suggest something more interesting than schedules and bills.

Happy Birthday! Hey - why aren't you in the picture?

2011-10-03T13:21:00.004-04:00

My oldest turns 30 in a couple days. It's so cliche that the time has passed so quickly, but it's so true.

It's kinda funny that he is now considered "old" by children/teenager standards.

Anyway, I'm not going to wax poetic about what a special day it was when he was born. It changed my life, of course, but kids are born every day. It is both ordinary and earth shaking.

His ~wife~ threw him a party on Saturday night. She loves planning parties and making them "events". So she'd decided on a James Bond Casino Royale kind of theme. Suits and cocktail dresses. She rented a Crown and Anchor wheel. She made martinis.

She set up a backdrop to get pictures of everyone who came. There are a lot of people missing from this picture - I have no clue why or who was supposed to be in it. Maybe I wasn't meant to be there. But I am.

Good party anyway. It was still going long after we left. The guy in the hat there is a neighbor. He left a few times and kept turning up again. Couldn't have sucked too bad then.

It isn't easy being green

2011-10-02T14:07:00.000-04:00

We stopped at Tim Horton's on our way to the flats yesterday. Dex happily came over for a hug and to get his picture taken. For some reason he seems to enjoy having that black box aimed at him. Maybe because it makes me happy. Sunlight sparkling on the water makes me happy too although it didn't show up as nicely as I'd have liked.

This nail polish also makes me insanely happy. The colour did not come up as vibrant as it is in the real world. Not even close. It's supposed to be shocking pink.

I can deal with the disappointment.

Curiosities

2011-09-30T10:14:00.001-04:00

Dex stands at the side of my bed with his front paws up and gently taps me on the arm.

Do you want outside? - I ask, as if he doesn't do this every single night.

He pulls his face next to mine and presses in for a hug until I say, ok - c'mon, let's go.

And I am up and the brain starts firing and doesn't stop as I am forced to contemplate the mysteries of the universe in the quiet dark punctuated only by Bandit's snarls outside as she murders some hapless creature.

Later, after I have mangled and convoluted every religion and belief held by man in my thoughts, Bandit scratches to come in and purrs loudly as she swaggers by and checks her bowl. Not finicky that one. And as I settle into the recliner again, she comes to purr on my belly and insist with a nudge of her face on my hand that it's time for a scratch.

There is so much we don't know.

Dex sighs on the love seat.

What, exactly, is the nature of life and death? We have these bodies. Yet there is not a single molecule, is there? that is original after, how long? How do we know it is still us? Have I become the cow or the zucchini I ate? Part of them is part of me now. Yet, I don't know what it's like to be a cow or a zucchini. There is no memory or feeling of connection for me there.

What is the nature of the supernatural? Paranormal? God? Spirits, Ghosts, Angels? Aliens? Are they imaginary? A lot of people have great imaginations. Imaginations so great that the experience is often shared with others. Subjectively. Why do others get no inkling at all of this "other dimension". Why is "proof" so hard to come by?

It was once thought that bad spirits caused disease. When presented with the new science of tiny creatures causing illness, even doctors scoffed at the idea. Previously, there had been no way to detect bacteria or viruses but now there is. We accept this truth.

What strange piece of equipment will explain ghosts and God? And ouija. Drugs, depression, mania, fear, all warp our perception of what is real. Our senses pick up information and our minds, shaped by our cultures, interpret that information. The interpretation is where we screw up. Maybe our senses aren't always so precise either. But how do we know that the schizophrenic isn't hearing something real that we don't? Maybe we can't - we simply don't have the equipment to perceive it? Perhaps mental "illness" and psychic/paranormal and religious phenomena are just degrees on a scale of perception of some other aspect of reality that most of us block out most of the time.

My baby is taking the Sociology of Gender now. Fascinating. She was telling me how much culture defines what we understand. Did you know that as many as 1 out of every 25 babies can not be precisely designated as male or female? There may be as many as 5 genders according to one sociologist. There are internal males who appear externally as females and vice versa. Some are both. 1 in 25. Here, in the west, we don't hear about this. Doctors urge the families to choose one or the other, help to surgically commit the choice. These babies, in other cultures might be revered for what they are. Here, this genetic occurrence which appears as often as red hair, is considered an aberration and hidden shamefully. Is Lady Gaga a hermaphrodite? Would it be a matter for gossip if she/he? had red hair?

How enlightened are we?

Still alive

2011-09-28T10:52:00.002-04:00

Have you ever tried taking a picture of a dog with ADHD?

I have seen my physio doc again - there has been improvement but he wants to keep going with the free treatments. Thanks!

I see the surgeon again next week.

How do I feel?

Different.

Like maybe I have never felt like this.

I'm no smarter. My brain doesn't work any better intelligence-wise. In fact, sometimes I thinking I'm losing more than anything and that's a little scary.

April and I went to Costco the other day. She paid her portion and I was coming up with mine - which was $121.36. I put down $120 and went searching for a toonie (a $2 coin - wiki it if you want an explanation). The cashier says "You need one thirty six"
And I'm totally confused.
Part of my head knew I needed one dollar and thirty-six cents and that's why I wanted a toonie (rather than looking for exact change)
Another part of my head is saying A hundred and thirty-six dollars? I've already put down $120! I didn't buy that much! April paid her portion. Where's this other $136 coming from? Or does the $120 come off the $136?
The cashier does not hear what's going on in my head but can plainly see my confusion. She points out that I've paid $120 and she needs $1.36 more.

Well of course! I laugh, and end up getting out the exact change as I blurt out what my idiotic brain had been thinking. Earth to Jean! Lay off the whacky tobaccy! Yes. I said that too. And though the line ups were bad, and the cashier and packer could have been annoyed at the space lady, they were laughing too.

I am more comfortable with people now. I can make small talk without an effort. How neck surgery could make that happen is beyond me. Perhaps I am able to stop thinking about me long enough to concentrate on someone else for a minute.

So maybe some self absorbed people have an excuse?
They are dealing with stuff and just don't have the RAM available to run another program?

Portrait class has been post-poned and might be cancelled if more people don't sign up. I didn't have all my stuff together for it anyway so that's ok. Truth is, I'm a little nervous. Anyone care to send me a good head shot to try drawing? I'm supposed to start with people I don't "know". I don't really want to do celebrities. They get enough attention. e-mail me: justmejeannie@gmail.com Thanks. (ps I don't like drawing teeth)

Rainy season strikes again

2011-09-22T19:04:00.000-04:00

It's going to rain tomorrow so I don't have to line up a billion jobs for the guys to do. It's crazy sometimes. Some people are just never home. Or they are home but don't want the job done tomorrow because...or they do but the city....

That's what tomorrow was facing up to be. One of those days. But they are calling for rain. So I will phone everyone tomorrow instead and line them up for some day in the future.

I had yoga today - the girls are back at it tonight. I declined thinking I had to phone a billion people.

Instead, I'm having a beer.

Off track.

So right, yoga with my baby then we went and got her some cat food and I had a hankering for fresh/salad/whatever they are rolls at the Thai place we passed so we made them lunch. Baby ate shrimps! This is quite phenomenal. Maybe one day she'll eat fish again. She hasn't since we had to put the dog down and I let her in the room. Not Dex. Cocoa. A few years ago.

And I dropped her off at her place and went home to get Dex and took him to the flats as he hadn't had a really good run since Sunday. And after that, I had physio then dropped off Dex again and off to watch Lily.

Oh wait. I missed something.

At the flats, we are walking along the path - a wide gravel walk around - after Dex's swim and I noticed something unusual on the ground. I walked past it before it struck me that it was not typical and had to walk back. There in the gravel, with a layer of fine stones stuck to its tiny shell was an itsy bitsy snapping turtle. A right out of its eggshell sized turtle. I wasn't sure it was alive. I thought I saw the head pull back but it could have been my imagination. I picked it up. The poor thing was so dry. And it was a long way to the water. For a tiny baby turtle. I picked it up and it's legs and tail and head were pulled back tight in the shell. The teensy eyes were closed tight - or glazed over dead - I couldn't tell. I couldn't even brush the gravel off the poor thing - it was stuck in that softish shell. The flats had been very busy that noon hour. I carried it along around the bend in the gravel path to where I knew there was a track back toward the lake. Dex was thrilled to get another swim in. I put the wee thing in the water and waited. And waited. And Dex ran by swirling up the water and it was caught up in the turbulence and Dex is jumping on me and I fear for its maybe already expired life and I grab it again and set it in the very edge of the water and watch. And watch. I hold my breath, hoping...hoping...and the little neck extends ever so slightly and slowly and the eensy nose pokes up to the surface to catch a fresh breath. The little legs reach out and this little miracle of a creature swims away into the deeper water.

Release the breath.

I was having a melancholy day until that moment.

If at first you don't succeed...

2011-09-21T16:33:00.002-04:00

Trial #2

I'm trying the neighbor's wine again. More moderately this time. Though how 2 glasses of wine is immoderate is hard to understand. This time, after a few sips, I poured half the glass into the chicken stew then topped up the glass with club soda to make a spritzer.

See? I CAN not be a lush.

I have also found a method to recycle creatively.

Yesterday, Gary found the gallon jug with just a mere few ounces (today's glassful) in the bottom.

Did you drink all this already?

he asked horrified

(It would certainly explain better my staggering off to bed early the night before.)

No. no. no. I poured it into all those bottles there. Which he'd have seen right there on the bar not far from the jug if he'd opened his eyes.

I have always had a love for booze bottles. Since I was a kid. My parents drank a bit. ahem. But they drank the same boring stuff over and over again. Not interesting. BUT my father often received a bottle here and there as a gift for being such an outstanding accountant. And they were always cool bottles. I kept them.

Over the years, I collected quite a few. When they built the cottage into a house, I had a beautiful brick fireplace in my room. My bottles decorated the mantle. They got pretty packed in there. I loved my bottles. My mother hated them. The dusting. So when I moved out at last, and didn't have a mantle any more, I sadly threw them all out.

But now, I love tequila. Tequila - good stuff - often comes in cool bottles. I hate to throw them out. I might get 10 cents if I returned them, but likely not as most were not bought in Canada. So I've held on to a few.

You see where I'm going right?

Yes. I poured the wine from the gallon jug into my empty tequila bottles so the wine won't oxidize before I drink it!

Ta Da!

Two birds with one stone. I'm a genius!

Ok - the 1800 isn't that good, but the bottle is cool anyway - and I just finished it.

Put down the wine...

2011-09-20T13:56:00.000-04:00

So the neighbor's wine is very palatable. Too.

And potent.

Wow. I was half way through the second glass and would not under any circumstances whatsoever, have been able to operate my car or heavy machinery. When I finished that, I was barely able to navigate my way to bed. Gary once made some apple wine that was like that. It went down like apple juice and then you found yourself waking up in a field somewhere.

Nothing like waking up at 11 pm with a hangover. But better than waking up in the morning with one because you get the whole night to get rid of it.

Gary bought a jar of pickles. He tried one, then handed one to me and asks if I think it's hot.

It was awful. Yes. Hot. And just wrong.

Who would have thought you'd have to read the ingredient list on a jar of pickles to make sure you weren't getting spicy dills? I suppose there's the picture on the upper right which could be a hot chili pepper. But why? Why would they do this and not make it a little more obvious?

Oh. I found my camera. It fell through a hole in the lining of my purse. Maybe Jimmy Hoffa is in there too.

Super heroes always get found out

2011-09-19T17:34:00.001-04:00

Only I could manage to unwittingly distract a seeing eye dog with my animal magnetism.

Early in my gym membership - was that maybe a whole 2 weeks ago? - I wanted to make some unpolitically correct crack about all the handicapped parking spots, the wheelchair accessible toilet stall and wheelchair ramp into the equipment area.

I did not. And good thing.

I have noticed several elderly folks - with limps- parking in those parking spots.
Ok. So yes, some handicapped folks might be using the gym to increase strength - it's a lot cheaper than physio (except when you get it for free) and, of course, there are different types of limitations.

And today, leaving yoga - how I was unaware of a dog in the class, I have no clue - other than I was at the far end and the room is kept fairly dim. But when I left, I stopped for a sip of water at the fountain because I am unafraid of our city water however tainted it may be and as I headed for the stairs, a beautiful black lab was straining toward me while the lady he was supposed to be guiding was trying to work her way down the stairs.

I am well aware that seeing eye dogs are not "pets" and should not be distracted while they are working so I felt really bad for this lady. I don't know why this dog wanted me so bad - I could only guess that the dog could smell Dex on me - or that I really needed a shower. Sorry lady. I promise I didn't pet him. And I don't have treats in my yoga bag.

Anyway. I'm not gonna say anything about the handicapped facilities at the gym, ever. I have been put in my place.

Gabe, our Portuguese neighbor, brought me 4 gallons of wine. Zinfandel if my less than distinguishing taste buds are correct. It's a good year - 2010, I'm guessing. Gary went around sealing driveways on Saturday like he was a September Santa Claus. He collected a few dollars and handed them to me. He always complains that he nevers sees a cent of his paycheque (he doesn't). So why hand me the cash? I'll probably just hand it to one of the kids in one form or another.

I really should make them all grow up.

But it's more fun to spoil them.

By the way, "baby" sitting just got incredibly interesting. My son bought a pinball machine a few months ago - but it needed a couple parts and I forgot all about it. Today, Graeme came home early and asked if I'd had a go. HUH? And he took me down to the rec room and showed me he'd set up 10 credits for me. And I played. And I sucked so bad. And so he showed me a little of what to do. And I still sucked but at least I knew what I was supposed to aim for. And the Dr. Who theme is playing in my head. It's a fun game. 3 - 6 pm just became my favourite time of day.

2011-09-18T14:13:00.001-04:00

I saw Ray yesterday.

At the market. He was alone.
I was with Cara but she was on a mission and hadn't seen me stop to talk to Ray.

We hugged.

Ray looked very well. But sad. And distracted. And not as connected as he usually is.

He tried but gave up.

I'm sorry. Troy's cat died yesterday. That's why Troy's not with me.

I said I was sorry. It's hard. Was the cat old?

14. Seemed fine but must have had a seizure. At the top of the stairs. Just fell over.
I'm sorry. It's hard to explain. People don't understand.

I know. I cried more when my dog died than when my father did. They are like our children. Our little retarded children.

I'll tell Troy what you said. He'll be sad to have missed you.

(For the record, I did not say "retarded" to be mean or nasty or to make fun. It is what came into my head instead of "simple" - meaning uncomplicated. A child who never grows up.)

ho hum

2011-09-16T20:16:00.002-04:00

It is past 8 on a Friday night. The men got off early but that does not mean they come home. (I thought I had over booked them but I guess I didn't)

In any event, I was not home as I was sitting with Lily except she was often not home either as she is loving getting to see friends after school. That's what being a kid is all about. Of course, we didn't have you-tube to sing along with - we had 45's. Does that date me? But they ran off to each other's house. And to the convenience store for candy. Timeless.

And my son came home - to his house - where I was and left again. And one of the crew was there to help him form his patio. I'm sure he's tired.

And Gary came along - surprised that I was there because my looking after Lily is over with long before he usually gets home and is not a part of his consciousness. He gave me a huge package of schnitzel to cook for dinner - surprised that, no, it is not allowed on the diet but who gives a damn?

Graeme brought home doughnuts of which I did not partake.

And April came home and we chatted about so many things that women chat about over a glass of wine: the gym, flowers, the wedding, gifts, decorating...

And I had to leave before I couldn't leave.

Wine is not allowed on the diet either. Neither is the beer I am enjoying now as the schnitzel sizzles in the pain and the aroma of butter and seasoning is making me drool.

Gary went off to collect money and hasn't returned.

He'd said earlier that we would go out - to a movie or something but it is too late. In any event, I am snookered and in my jammies. Maybe tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I will go to the market and buy fresh veggies and fruit.

Tomorrow, I will go to yoga with not just April, but my baby, who I also signed up, and probably one of my baby's best friends. I'm thinking best friend now. Long standing - well over 10 years they've hung out. And not uneventful years either. An unlikely pair. But they love each other. They are both quite lovable. I love them both although I got the easier daughter. Not better. Just easier. Like babies. None of them are bad, just some are easier. Right?

Tomorrow, I will have to clean my house and do my laundry. Thanks to time-metered hydro, it is too expensive to be clean on weekdays.

Freaked out - a little

2011-09-14T13:14:00.000-04:00

I woke up in the night again and went out to the living room to sleep. I read and tossed and turned and finally got a half glass of wine to bring me down.

Eventually I do manage to drift off. And I dreamt.

The dream was sort of in real time.....I woke up and looked around my living room (which wasn't my real living room but the one I had in the dream which bore no relation to the current one). I was shocked to see that the big screen tv was gone! And my notebook! Which I hadn't backed up lately and to which, in any case, the memory stick had still been stuck into so I had zero bookkeeping records! And various other things were just gone. I was mortified and beside myself. How on earth did all that stuff get taken from the house without me waking up?

I also looked around the room and wondered at it's construction and thought about renovating.

I'm so glad it wasn't true.

I backed up my program in any case. Although the stick is still plugged in.

For the record, I do not have a tv in my living room at all and I don't do the books there either.

Seriously - that room was really messed up and needed renovation though.

days pass

2011-09-13T10:33:00.000-04:00

I had to throw out all the flour in the house - including 2 new bags - because of weevils. Shit. At least I won't be tempted to bake for a while - until I finally buy more - and that will make it easier to not be tempted.

I fell asleep again while sitting with Lily. Trustworthy. That's what I am. You can depend on me to slack off on the job!

I walked over with Dex. He was so so bad walking. I couldn't find that harness thing that keeps him from tugging. He just doesn't get that when he's on the leash, we are not hunting squirrels. He's pretty sure that's the job and he's gonna do it! He doesn't even blink when I hit him with my purse. He's a lot like my oldest. I could have taken a machete to that kid and chopped off his arms and legs and he'd still do that bad thing he was determined to do. I used to break wooden spoons and pingpong paddles on his ass and he would continue merrily doing whatever he wanted to do. He tells me now that yes, it hurt, but he wouldn't give me the satisfaction of knowing that at the time. There was absolutely nothing that could dissuade him. In spite of my abuse - and call it that if you want - he believes in spanking - so maybe it made an impression even if I didn't see it. I might have spanked Matt once. Cara broke down if I merely raised my voice to her. But Graeme was incorrigible. Dex is like that too. Headstrong. Persistent. Stubborn. Determined. Strong willed. Bull headed. He pushed every boundary. Every single day was a new challenge. Frustrating. Exasperating. He saw punishment/discipline as the price he had to pay to do what he wanted. If he wanted to do it bad enough, he would endure whatever he had to. I'm quite sure if we'd lived in a rougher area and he were inclined that way, he'd be a drug lord by now and if necessary, leading his crew from prison. How do you reason with a mentality like that?

I try that dig in the side that the Dog Whisperer promotes with Dex and he's all like "Please, I'm looking for squirrels here and you are irritating me." It doesn't occur to him that I might want him to stop. He's pushing to get me to do what he wants and figures if he persists in tugging, I will, one day, get the hint and hurry the hell up. He must think the jerking back I do is a nervous tic or something. Nothing to do with him anyway.

sigh

Dazed and confused

2011-09-12T11:48:00.000-04:00

My brain has left the building. I don't know why. I just feel so totally drained and exhausted.

I've gone and overdone it again. I went to the gym to try the yoga on Saturday. I did not think I was working too hard. I enjoy yoga. I am naturally limber. It is no big deal to bend over and touch the floor. I did not do the exercise where we stood on our heads. What I did not realize was how often the neck muscles are enlisted to do just about everything else. And then try to turn to see what's coming next? I felt like a total clutz by the way, limberness aside. When I say that I enjoy yoga, I am saying that I think I do - I have not really had a lot of experience. There was that Swedish (maybe?) lady that came on before or after the Galloping Gourmet back in the early 70's that my Mom and I would stretch along with and those few Saturdays a number of years back - the last time I joined the gym...and that would be it. Apparently, I didn't look as bad as I thought I did. A lady I'd asked a couple questions of at the start of the class stated at the end "You've done this before, haven't you? You were able to do poses I can't!" That may be. I'm not sure I'd ever done any of the poses as such before but as I said, I'm limber. It was the getting from one pose to the next where I fell short. I'm sure I've said before - I'm no dancer. Place this here and that there and move through to this gets me entirely bogged down and pretzeled. And my knees! They are bruised from just kneeling! Ordinary kneeling! Why? Is that normal? It hurt like a bitch! No kneeling for me thanks. Glad I'm not Catholic! So anyway. Yes, my neck is tight and sore again. So are my legs (I thought I was limber!), my stomach, my shoulders, my waist - let's just say everything hurts. I wish I had taken a change of clothes as they've got a great sauna that I'd have taken advantage of, had I known (I hadn't bothered with a tour of the place until Saturday.) So there you are.

This does not explain my total head fatigue. As though I hadn't slept at all when, in fact, I slept fairly well for me.

My sister has lost 17 pounds in the last couple weeks.

I am jealous.

It does not show on her much yet - she is considerably over weight. But there you are. The evil side of me has emerged. She has rarely, in our shared lifetime, weighed less than me - not that she is anywhere close to that right now. There was that brief time in the early 90's when she got down to 116 lbs. This is not a healthy weight for me to aspire to anyway (she is much finer boned than me and I am heavily muscled), but I was jealous then too.

Game on sister!

I have not informed her that it is now a competition. But it is. My secret plot to beat her at her own game.

Mwahaha!

Seriously, I must be twisted because I wasn't this motivated to lose the weight before - even with the weddings coming up.

After the yoga, I decided to weed my foundation plantings. There were more weeds than plantings. Numerous petunias gave their lives in my effort to rid the area of pernicious weeds. There was one weed which fought back valiantly. It had fangs. With venom. I welted up. Then tingled like crazy. For hours! It didn't look like a thorny plant - it wasn't like the thistles I'm accustomed to. It looked innocuous. So much so that I couldn't identify it right now. Just a weed. The world is changing! I saw a wasp yesterday that appeared to be sucking the blood out of a dead mouse Bandit brought home. That's just creepy. What else have I to look forward to? Rabid bunnies? Kamikaze robins? Radioactive mushrooms? I'm worried. It's not just the weather that's gone crazy.

My Dream Home

2011-09-09T08:31:00.000-04:00

Nearly across the road from where I go for physio therapy, is this wonderful stone house for sale. I looked it up. It comes with 85 acres. And is a little out of my budget at a mere $1.1 million.

Sigh.

It's been on the market for a while from the look of this realtor photo - maybe they'd take $300,000. What do you think?

In other news, I had a busy day yesterday. I took Dex to the flats then made him wait in the car while I did physio. He was fine with that. Then I had a couple errands on the way to picking up Cara, then another errand before taking her to the dentist. And then we were nearly late to be home for Lily. I had Dex when I unlocked the door and opened it. Mystic - their cat - was right there to welcome us. Dex peed a big puddle right there he was so terrified. He's such a wuss. Mystic has to be put away when Dex comes over or she'll beat him up.

Dex was crazy hyper the entire time we were there.

I took my deep fryer they borrowed about 6 months ago home. I made fries for dinner. Gary was happy.

Today, I am going out for lunch with my Mom. I have asked Cara along too. My mother is not feeling so well. She thinks she might have had a stroke but doesn't want to go to the doctor about it. Her right arm is numb. It could be just her neck - she has arthritis and something may be pinched. In any event, I'm going to buy her some of the enteric coated baby aspirin before picking her up.

My mom has been talking a lot lately about maybe having to go into a home soon. I don't think she's that bad but maybe she is. She doesn't really want to go but she knows that one day, she may have to. I told her there's a lot of things we can do to put that day off - like meals on wheels or we can all contribute frozen portions of meals we cook ourselves that she needs only to warm up. Her mental faculties are just fine and I've certainly seen people in a far worse physical and mental state still at home. I will need to start being a better daughter I think, and at least call her more frequently. The joys of old age. I wonder if I will live so long. They are saying that life expectancy has gone down now because of all our self-indulgent habits. (Thanks McDonald's!) For the first time I can remember, since the surgery, I'm not dreading being old.

A new season

2011-09-07T19:41:00.000-04:00

Our son, helping his Dad about 25 years ago. Still helping.

Today I started my new job. I was on time but there was little to do. I did what I could and promptly fell asleep.

I was not discovered, nor would I have been fired if I had. No one would have cared.

I'm being paid in hugs, not cash.

I have been entrusted to sit with Lily after school until my son or her Mom comes home from work.

Lily is easy. She's nearly ten and amuses herself. She might have seen me nod off but was busy with her video game.

I'd offered to tidy up and start dinner while I was there but I suppose that was unseemly for the first day as there was nothing left to do. I'm glad I took my book although, truth be told, it's not that interesting - hence the little cat nap. Perhaps I should start knitting again.

Camping

2011-09-06T09:41:00.000-04:00

Ahhhh - Peace and Quiet

It rained a little on Sunday

Waiting for for the rain to please stop.

Why do people go camping?

We spend our lives trying to afford modern conveniences and then we leave them all at home to get back to nature.

But then, there are so many people getting back to nature that you are crammed closer together than if you lived in an apartment building and the walls are much thinner.

The guys worked late on Friday and it took longer than expected to pack everything up. The group was divided whether to leave late - knowing that we wouldn't arrive at the campsite until about 2 am and setting up in the pitch black would be difficult - OR to leave at 2 am and arrive first thing in the morning to set up in the daylight. The second idea won out but because of the logistics - not everything had been done the night before - we didn't get away until closer to 4 am. Graeme was driving and was angry. He'd particularly wanted to leave the night before. Knowing he hadn't had enough sleep, he knew he'd sleep the day away once we got there. He did. To be fair, I stayed awake with him on the road. I stayed awake all day too.

There were a couple sites at the first campground - we hadn't made reservations. Gary wanted electricity so we drove through the park (we are talking many many miles to other campgrounds) looking for something better. We were shocked to find that not only was there nothing better, but nothing at all. We raced back to the first place and thankfully, there were still spots open.

It was a beautiful day. We set up camp. We lit the fire. We swam. We canoed. I'd forgotten my camera and missed getting some beautiful photos. A dam upstream had enlarged the lake at some time in the past and we found a forest of tree stumps sticking out of the water like driftwood sculptures. I expected to get back the next day with the camera but it rained. And rained.

The weather changed from summer to fall over the weekend. I had not taken enough warm blankets. I have no clue where our sleeping bags went. They were old anyway. We should buy some new ones.

Dex didn't like the mud much (he's sitting on a bag of firewood)

We didn't really expect Dex to sit on the wet ground did we?

I did not really sleep that well.

The swimming and canoeing were a lot of fun but a bit much for my neck.

The walk to the washrooms was long - and the squatting and hovering have made my calves ache.

Dex had to be kept on the leash - except when he went swimming. He does love to swim. We spent half the weekend untangling dogs.

We roasted hotdogs and made too many s'mores. And drank beer which increased the trips to the smelly non-flush toilets. At least they had a sink with cold water to wash with.

We spent the weekend trying to make ourselves comfortable.

We were all exhausted at the end of it.

Why DO people go camping?

(For the record, I did have a good time I just can't figure out why.)

If you'd brought my lawn chair, we wouldn't be having a problem now.

If this is the best you can do, well, I suppose I'll rough it.

Evening

Sunset

We walked in the trees

We played with fire

We danced.

We smoked funny stuff

2011-09-02T12:52:00.004-04:00

Ha! It appears that I am going camping this weekend. Are we prepared for this? Hell no.

If I have held on to any camping kind of gear, it is all buried in inaccessible parts of the garage. I don't remember how to do this anyway.

Our oldest and his crew are camping as well. With any luck, we can tag along with them and use whatever they've brought with them. All we have is a tent trailer. But they are planning on going to Algonquin Park which is like halfway to the North Pole. I lie. But it might as well be. I just don't know about this. I don't even have food! They won't have McDonald's or KFC in the bush. I'm not sure they'll even have toilets.

What is the draw for camping anyway? People built houses for a reason. And luxury hotels for an even better one.

I've Done It!

2011-09-01T18:29:00.001-04:00

I feel it's time I do something - get out in the world again. I've been cocooned for so long now - a year out of contact with random people. I do not feel anything like that person I've been for all those months and it's time to break out with the new me.

I did a search for art classes in the area and found some! Yay! So I've joined up with some art group - whatever that entails. And I signed up for a portrait drawing class and another go at painting with acrylics. The instructor for that is the same as I had a few years ago. I'm not sure it's what I want but it'll get me cracking open the tubes of paint again. There are other painting classes I could take elsewhere and I may go on to them later. There is a life drawing class I wanted to take too but I will wait until the new year for that.

I also signed up to the gym. And I signed up my son's fiancee. So, I will start with yoga and go from there. I don't expect to lose weight at the gym - I've never lost weight at the gym - but I do expect to get toned and a little more fit. It's really about getting out into the world and mixing with people.

And on the way to the dog park - haven't been there in a while - I passed a bunch of businesses and I was thinking I should get a resume together and find a part-time job. Enough sitting in the house 24/7. And at the dog park, I talked to the couple people that were there. And that was ok.

It's exciting. I never realized before what it was like to feel normal. I don't know what buttons my crooked neck pushed in my brain but I really do feel different. I'm not so anxious - I'm excited! I'm not having to ignore that buzz of pain to interact with other people. It used to be such an effort. People aren't scary any more. I don't really give a shit what they think. It isn't necessary that anyone like me. Drawing is scary. Painting is scary. It feels like I've never done either one before. But, just the same, it's something I think I can do. Maybe not professionally, but for fun. We'll find out.

Do you embrace change?

2011-09-01T07:49:00.000-04:00

So, Blogger has changed our interface. Do you love it? Hate it? Not bothering?

As with all things Blogger, this New and Improved version will one day be the only option. Although it is unfamiliar, and I don't know where everything is, I can hopefully trust that everything I've come to know will turn up somewhere so I will make the change now. It's just like when they change the grocery store around. Or perhaps like when I move the furniture around (to my family although they don't even notice any more because things get changed around too often for anyone to become overly accustomed.)

I find the new interface rather plain. Maybe plain is better. Maybe it is boring. Doesn't matter. It's still free. And it should work as well as the last one - maybe better - although I think the changes are all in appearance and not substance so it may be exactly as it was behind the scenes.

Bandit likes to sneak up and take over my keyboard. She sneaks like an elephant. I may start calling her my cat. She has broken Matt's heart anyway. Or I have. I may have inadvertently stolen her. That's what happens when Moms are left with the job of feeding animals. They love the feeder. Matt still gets to clean the litter box though. Granted, it isn't used much as she prefers outside potties. I bought her a new toy. She thinks it's stupid. So I'll give it to Cara for her cats. They've never seen a real mouse so they won't be as particular.

Back to rehab

2011-08-31T16:46:00.000-04:00

The Doc took me back for rehab. Had my appraisal appointment yesterday. It's sort of past but near the flats so Cara dropped me off and took Lily and the dogs on for a walk and a swim then came back to get me. It was a very long appointment - lots of waiting between assessments as rooms came available.

The Doc informed me that he would treat me for free this time around instead of charging me a ridiculously low rate. Nice guy.

The exercises I'm to do are a repeat of the ones I was given before - and most of them I have been doing anyway as they feel good. Most of them I have done for 30 odd years. I think they are somewhat instinctive. Or maybe because they feel good, they become instinctive.

And they hook me up to the fabulous machines there. I had my first round this morning - as Cara took Lily and the dogs through the flats again - and I feel looser already. I kind of miss the walk through the flats though. Next week, Cara and Lily will be back in school so I'll have to figure a way to take the dog and leave him in the car while I do my thing. Maybe we should walk the flats first so he'll be tired and sleepy and not mind waiting in the car. The one parking lot is very shady so, given that it is cooler now, my appts are in the morning and I can leave the windows half down, I think he'll be okay. Memo: take water for Dex

The only other non-ordinary feature of the last few days was the pizza we got for lunch. Yup. My life is that exciting that a pizza could headline. I love pizza. Gary doesn't. Gary is bossy so, unless one of the kids is around and brings up the idea and Gary isn't around to veto it, I don't get pizza very often.

On the other hand, I'm supposed to be trying to lose weight. Given that I have somehow put on a couple pounds - likely water retention - I'm pmsing yet again and everything salty finds its way into my mouth - I really don't need pizza. But it was vegetarian for Cara and not overly heavy on the cheese so not too much fat considering. Still. I need to watch myself. I need to look good for 2 weddings next year. Conceivably, if I apply myself and get a little bit anorexic, I can be in fine form in time for the first one in February. The trick is to put food on the back burner of importance. Get busy doing other things.

So I might sign up to the gym again - for the yoga and maybe pilates and I might jump on an elliptical once in a while and maybe do some weights. I hate aerobics and I think I'm done with the bouncing around anyway.

And I should find an art class. I don't understand why there are so few around town. Not big on the arts here. And when they are, they get all pretentious.