My apologies

I think you may have had to be in my head yesterday - and know the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and Gone With the Wind - to understand what the heck I was saying.

Sorry. Sometimes, I just presume that everyone knows everything I know which is pretty senseless. We all do it to some extent - start blathering on using the lingo and thought processes of our subject and except for those in the know, all everyone hears is blah blah blah. Which is partly what makes Big Bang Theory funny -  Assuming, of course, that you watch Big Bang Theory. If you don't, sorry again.

sigh

I was in pain yesterday and my world gets very small at such times.

My forays into worlds others don't understand may be a good reason I don't connect with people huh? Why I get the blank stares. Why others laugh when I'm serious. Why I laugh alone. (It is quite unnerving to be the only one laughing uncontrollably in a full movie theatre by the way.)

I am coming to terms with being on another planet. I'm not so very lonely here. There are lots of me to talk to.

Unfortunately, I have passed along my tendencies to at least one of my children. My oldest will often start a conversation in the middle of a complicated thought process that's been in his head. So I do know what it's like to be on the other side. My father did it too. Of course, I've always handled it very differently than how most people do to me - I'd say "What the hell are you talking about?" and laugh heinously. It's really too bad my Dad couldn't have hung on to being in his lonely world long enough for my sons to join him. They spoke the same language. To me, it's like listening to Spanish: I plainly understand the odd word, can sometimes get the gist but usually, I'm totally in the dark. But they talk to me like I'm following it all. My dad, and my sons and those Spanish speakers really truly believe I know what they are saying. Why? Is my look not blank enough? Have I perfected nodding at the right time without knowing it? Ah well, at least my boys have each other to talk to.

My daughter does not handle my other worldly adventures gladly. She gets offended at everything she thinks I'm saying and goes off on her own tangent. And I am usually in total agreement with her. I know I make a lot blanket statements that I don't mean - but words are just too slow and imprecise to keep up with me sometimes. I leave most of the thought in my head. Too concise for my own good. Because when I don't condense what I say, the listener's (or reader's) eyes glaze over and I lose them anyway. I've never found that middle ground. Too much detail, or not enough.

Such is life.

I've been looking at my photos, trying to find my next painting. It's funny how I spend more time looking for my next idea than I do actually painting it. I should probably spend less time looking and more doing. It's like I just have to get it done and out there as fast as possible. I can't bear to look at it unfinished. Even worse is having anyone else look at it. I want to say - no! don't say anything! it's not done - it's not what it is yet! wait! as though they are incapable of seeing for themselves that it isn't done.