downers

I am suffering from post-stupiditis.  That is when you are coming out of a period when you were incredibly stupid for one reason or another and are having to deal with the consequences. I had no idea I was quite so ditzy before and after the surgery - even as soon as a month ago. Ok. I did know I wasn't all there - I couldn't do the hard sudokus for the past couple years. That was kinda scary. What's worse is seeing the dumb things I did and wondering how to fix them without drawing unwanted attention. I shouldn't have to explain myself. I worked 11 years with 3 weeks off -> 45 - 72+ hours a week - that last 2 in extreme pain - and then was having to use a lot of drugs to cope. Then had surgery and instead of the 6 weeks recommended time off, I took about a week (I was back at it, 3 days after I was home).  A lot of things fell through the cracks in my brain. And when I do ask for help - and I did - I said continually I needed help. But no one ever thinks I could honestly use some help. I have always been quite capable of managing on my own. So they think.

Graeme yelled at me. Gary yelled at me a lot. As though I had been intentionally stupid. Let me tell you that I don't deal well with being yelled at when I know I've done wrong and have already owned up. Please don't kick me when I'm down. I turn to mush. And it's not like I've got a wealth of confidence in the first place. And they know this. They just don't understand why. Sorry - I'm just not good at feeling good about myself. It wasn't something I was allowed to do for the first 18 years or so of my life. I haven't had a lot of practise since then because adults don't give a lot of positive feedback in the world at large.

So I fell apart for a bit.

Thankfully, Tina Fey wrote her life story. Well, bits of it anyway. You can't stay upset reading her. I only wish her life had been much longer already.

I'm still not 100%. Some things are causing me untold anxiety and I'm dealing by ignoring them which is not good. What I'd really like is a good cry or a good something else. Not a party - I must be finally growing out of that although there's one at my house this weekend for the twins' birthday that I'm not invited to anyway. Can you imagine? It's my house - and I'm pretty sure a lot of my booze. But I'm supposed to find somewhere else to be. I've told them I will be in my room sleeping anyway by the time everyone gets here. I have ear plugs.

I finally went back to yoga again. It was hard.

What was harder was trying to park Gary's truck in the parking lot. Holy crap! The spaces were all super narrow and the lanes between the rows were also narrow. And I have very poor depth perception. I didn't wreck anything but it took 3 parking spaces before I found one I could maneuver into.

And the cat wouldn't let me do my puzzle:

If looks could kill huh?